bpbabble

Tomorrow we are going away for a long weekend. We have to take 4 long weekends per year to satisfy our Visa requirements. It’s kind of fun, we always try to go to a different place. We usually make at least one trip to Florida, for fun, shopping and I have some older relatives there.  This weekend we are going to Panama to see the Canal and the Caribbean Beaches. They are supposed to have pretty good shopping there, from high end like Prada to just regular Gap stuff. They use the US$ so that is very convenient as we can get US$ out of ATM’s here in CR.  I am excited about the trip, it is only a little over an hour on a smaller Jet. I am not a great flyer and I should be, We have taken our Son on 15 flights so far, and I traveled a lot when I was younger. I usually have a drink on the plane, always a Bloody Mary or 2, depending on the length of the flight.

Now for me, excitement can make me swing either way up and happy, with my feet not quite touching the ground, or frantic and angry, trying to get everything done and hoping that we do not have any problems at the airport. Our Son is a great traveler, so I don’t need to worry about him, and everything seems ok with me so far, I am not overly anxious and I do love to travel & see new places, so I think all will be well, it’s just a matter of packing up suitcases and making sure our dogsitter/house sitter makes it here. And then getting to the airport tomorrow. It should all be easy. So why do I feel just a bit nervous? Is it the excitement? Or something else? Maybe I need to breathe in some Lavender & maybe do some meditating. If that fails, some exercise and if that fails, then it’s time for Valium!

I woke up this morning at 6am-ish and opened up the curtains and the windows and welcomed the morning. I went outside and checked out the day, [it's cloudy today] and as I was having my Tea I see my Husband with a Rake and he was standing by the pool. A Rake by the Pool? Hmmmmm. Curiosity got the better of me and I said, “what’s with the Rake?” He said “Oh, just a Tarantula in the Pool……they float, you know.”  Oh, Lovely. I didn’t know that they could float. He got it out and sort of tossed it back into the jungle-woods.

Oh Man. When my Mum came here to CR to visit this past January, I was the first person awake every AM and it was like the 3rd day of her stay and I went outside to turn off some outdoor lights, I walked out my front door and went out, and as I was returning I see a HUGE Tarantula next to the house, near the front door and I said “Holy!” And I thought, how the fuck did I NOT see that thing when I first came out the door?! So, I wake up my Husband and whisper that there is a huge Tarantula by the front door and could he please remove it so  as not to upset my Mother and possibly our Son?  He disposed of it. Later that night, I was turning on the lights for the patio/pool, and what do I see next to the window by the sliding door to the patio? Another big black & red Tarantula! All came to see it and my Mum & Son were not freaked out, they thought it was neat. Anyway, they are pretty much harmless unless they feel threatened, then they sort of go up on their back legs and expose their fangs. They can scurry super fast, but really they aren’t around to try and hurt us, they just come out when it gets damp, I read up on them after we saw the red & black one and I was reassured. You can even hold them in the palm of your hand, I have seen people on TV holding the Orange & Black Variety.

There is some amazing living things here, from plants to flowers to birds, and yes, insects. It would appear that all living things thrive here, because everything seems very healthy and large.  I just don’t like waking up and seeing such horrors early in the day, but I suppose I need to get used to it. I actually think bugs of all kinds are kind of neat, but I don’t like getting too close. Taking pix is fun though, you don’t have to be too close and there’s always the zoom lens!

Happy Mother’s Day to all Mums who live in North America! Here in Costa Rica Mother’s Day is August 15th.  It is a big deal & it coincides with the Feast of the Assumption of the Virgin Mary, but this is about Today, North American Mother’s day.

I feel joy on Mother’s Day, I remember when our son was born, and when he was still a toddler, and now he is 7 years old!  Time flies.

I also feel an immense sadness on this Day, and that is because my Mother lost 3 of her children to suicide. I am still around, but it must be very hard for her to think about how many children she used to get Mother’s Day cards from. This is another reason for me to try and be as well as possible, she doesn’t like to see me suffer and I am sure it must remind her a little of my siblings and their depressive behaviours. I am Bipolar 1, I presented with classic symptoms, and there was no doubt that I was and still am a maniac…….which is different from my siblings. I don’t swing down very often, but when I do it can be quite frightening. My Mother has seen me manic, which can be quite fun until I start getting angry, or mixed. She has spoken with me on the Phone whilst I was in a mixed state and it was very confusing to her. At one point she just said “Stop crying right now my Girl, just calm yourself.” She was quite stern, and I had a flashback to when I was a girl and she would say that to me when I would get upset. She’s kind of the “stiff upper lip” generation……that must be beneficial to her, because at the Funerals she held herself with a quiet dignity, and I am proud to say that I did the same, though afterwards I did cry, sobbed my heart out for a good long time.  I admire my Mother for her Grace and Dignity in the most awful of situations, and even though I do not resemble her in looks [she has blue eyes and freckles] I hope that I resemble her in my spirit and intelligence, which I give her full credit for. She is the best, and I cannot wait for her to come down here to CR & enjoy her retirement and hopefully, my company. I Love My Mother!

Just an aside:

I resemble my Father in Looks, and I got the crazy blood from his side of the Family……one of my cousins committed suicide, another lives in a nice “rest home” he is schizophrenic, and they are cousins on my Father’s side…..no doubt that mental illness is Hereditary in my family.

Well, Today was a new day……yesterday saw me still trying to regroup after my moodswing down, I get quite exhausted when depressed & Mixed like that. I took my meds[ mood stabilizer & Benzo] and did a lot of swimming and water exercises and my upper body workout. I found that being in the water really helps to calm me down, and that exercise makes me focus on being well & healthy. Today when I awoke I was a little groggy, but woke up in a fine mood, I am still a little depressed, dragging ass a bit, but I soon got up and got motivated, Aurea doesn’t come in on the weekends, so I had to make the beds, sweep the house and do a load of laundry, DJ loves to cook [sometimes he misses being a Chef] so I didn’t need to worry about that. After doing my few little chores, I did do my upper body workout again today, and then after cleaning myself up, I made a short video for YouTube, and after previewing it, I still cannot stand the way I look, I look awful and so out of shape. I swear, after you hit 45, it becomes harder to keep yourself trim, I am not fat, but my abs are soft, I need to work on that.

Also I noticed on my last video & the one I made today, it sounds like I have a speech impediment, but if you watch older videos I don’t sound like that, it’s the camera that I am using. My Laptop is 4+ years old and the mic on it is messed up…Thankfully my Mum is bringing me a new one when she gets here in June.

I  am better, no mixed episodes, and slowly making my way back. Man, I just hate the fact that I need meds, I try to accept that fact, but I guess that deep down I don’t accept it, no matter how hard I try to.

P.S. The Forum is now up and it is all pretty. Thanks DJ!

Welcome to all!

So, this is how the Forum will work until it can be integrated more elegantly, it will take a short time and then all will be shiny and new.

For those of you who saw my latest video on YouTube, I just want you to know that I am feeling much better today…….after I made the video I pretty much just  let myself sob until I was exhausted, and then I took some Valium and stuck to my prescribed dose of that & mood stabilizer, & I skipped the Zyprexa because I had to go walk down to the school and pick up our Son. I had pulled myself together as well as I could, and I was just pretty quiet until DJ came home. I took my night meds and I slept and slept and when I woke I was feeling better. I have been sticking to my med regimen [mood stabilizer & Benzo], and been swimming like a fish…..been doing laps and all kinds of therapeutic water exercises. I have been doing my upper body workout, and my tendinitis is easing up, and thank Heavens for Vicodin for the pain I was having. I think part of my Depression came from being in pain, I had twisted my ankle [same one I broke 2 years ago] and it really screwed with my Achilles Tendon. I have just been taking it easy on myself, and having Aurea here is really important because I do have times when I really just need to retreat, and I know she is taking care of the house so I don’t need to worry. I have been going out into the yard and just listening to all of the sounds……Birds, insects, reptiles [Iguanas & Geckos] singing and buzzing and jumping all over the place……it really helps to calm me. And so does floating on my back in the Pool. That is the most relaxing and I have been trying to live in peace with myself, which is difficult to say the least.

Welcome to the new Blog for BPBabble!  It means Bipolar Babble, and I have Bipolar 1 Disorder. My Name is Paz, and I will link this Blog to my YouTube Channel. I had a website called BPBabble for almost 5 years, but I wanted to try something different, I will have a forum set up so the members from the site will still be able to post and help & support each other, and I welcome any others who would like to contribute. Living with Bipolar 1 or any Mental Illness is very difficult, and we need all of the love & support we can get or give to each other.

I will post some things that I have written at my old website, they are fairly recent and will explain the ways that I have been feeling over the past few weeks.

Sometimes I feel like my illness is a curse, and other times I feel like it is almost a  gift……we Bipolars tend to feel things very intensely, and I see things that others don’t, like super hard rock candy bright colours practically everyday, but even more so when manic, especially when Euphoric…….the world is so shimmery it is almost blinding.  I live in Costa Rica, which is so colourful and full of life, some of it bizarre. Like today I saw a Blue Lizard and a Toucan in my backyard, we have many Butterflies, Hummingbirds [all brightly coloured] and other tropical birds and flowers. There are insects galore, I will post pix of them to share with everyone, and we have Banana Trees [4 kinds] a Persian Lemon Tree and a Mandarin tree. All produce more fruit than we can eat, so we share with friends.There are many, many flowers here, and some look like they are from another world. I know that I see things much differently than the average person, so perhaps that is why I am so full of delight and child-like joy at times when I see such diverse living plants & animals. Welcome to my Blog & my World!