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I haven’t accomplished much of anything today.  Things are tense right now and my nerves are shot.  I wish it was time to go to bed.  Of course, I can make it that time anytime.  I don’t even know what I am talking about.  Just babbling.  I am in a bad mood right now and need to vent.  I would rather type it than take it out on somebody.  I’d only regret that later if I hurt someones feelings.  I tend to overreact to a lot of situations and I am trying not to do that this time.  I am going to take it one minute at a time.

Today has just been okay.  Not much of anything going on.  We cleaned house this morning(my husband, daughter, and I).  That was a much needed job.  It made me feel some better afterwards because I had a sense of accomplishment.  I have walked a little today but need to get back out there and walk some more.  I know it will make a difference.  I am still fighting depression and trying to stay out of bed.  I’ve done fair today.  I guess it is a daily or hourly process.

I am still thinking about all of the things that I have to be thankful for.  This is weird for me to be thinking like this but I guess it is a good thing.  I was just thinking how there are those who do not have any family or friends and are very lonely.  I have  my children and even though they don’t always do what I think they should I know that they love me.  It is difficult being bipolar but it helps to know that I am not alone.  It is awesome to have wonderful people here at this site to talk and share with.  I know sometimes I feel lonely even when I am with my family and I hate those times.  I am afraid of being alone and lonely.  It is one of my biggest fears.  I am thankful for being able to write down my feelings.  Sometimes, I think how could anyone love me.  I am not one that accepts love easily.  I am not a very trusting person and always think that the other person has a motive for being nice or whatever.  That is one of my goals this year, work on trust.  First, I need to learn to trust myself and my instincts.  I always second guess myself.  It can wear me out physically and mentally.  I am learning that it is okay to take chances even though I am learning it slowly.  I have to learn to pace things and  I am thankful that I am learning to do that.  There are so many things that I could keep writing about but I guess I will stop for now.

Even though I am depressed I am thankful for many things in my life.  I am thankful for my children and my grandchildren.  They are awesome and precious!  I am thankful for this site that Paz and DJ has created for us.  I am thankful that my test results were not worse than they were.  I am thankful that I can afford my meds and food for my family.  I am thankful for all of the friends that I have here on this site.  I am thankful for life itself.  I guess I am just feeling grateful right now and wanted to express it.  Thanks.

I forced myself to start walking today.  It was an effort just to get myself outside.  I am so tired of being depressed and was told that getting out and exercising would help.  Not to mention, it will help me get in better shape.  I went to therapy today and he did my yearly evaluation and it was interesting how far I have progressed since this time last year.  I didn’t realize just how depressed I was last year until he read some of the notes to me.  I still get depressed but I have come a long way so that gives me some hope.

I get so lonely sometimes.  I feel so pathetic.  I have always felt this way.  I can be in a crowded room and feel lonely.  It doesn’t matter how many people are there or  how much they try to include me.  I still feel lonely.  I am afraid of rejection so I don’t even invite the opportunity to try.  I am not a risk taker .  It may be miserable but it is easier to be lonely than to face rejection and betrayal.  I can remember as a child always being on the outside looking in.  My classmates would choose teams and I would never be chosen until the last.  I didn’t have very many friends growing up.  I can remember two girls that I had as friends for a while.  Nothing ever lasts.  Disappointment is always waiting on me.  I am afraid to do much of anything in this world because I might do it wrong.  I was always told that what I did was wrong and that I would never do anything right.  I guess in some way that was carved on  my brain.  I still hear the voices from my childhood  “loser”  “you are a nobody”.  I feel like I am just scraping by in life.  I go through the motions but I don’t feel anything.  I want to feel happiness and hope in my life.

I am so depressed today.  It seems to me that things are getting worse for me.  I want to sleep all the time and only get out of bed when absolutely necessary.  I had to get out and go to Walmart a little while ago and that only depressed me even more.  Groceries are so expensive that a person can’t even afford what they need.  I mean milk is nearly five dollars a gallon and eggs are over two dollars.  How are we suppose to live?  Does anyone in authority care?  I feel like I am alone in this world and things will never get any better.  I hate feeling this way and wish that I could change the way I feel.  Some people say just get over it.  I wish that it was that simple.  I don’t think anyone would choose to have bipolar disorder or depression.  I wish that people understood that it is an illness.  I am tired of fighting the fight.  I am so tired.  I never seem to accomplish anything and I feel worthless.  I guess I sound like I am feeling sorry for myself but it is the way I feel.  I hope that things will get better.

There really isn’t a lot going on in my life today.  I am a little on the depressed side.  Okay, a lot on the depressed side.  Seen my pdoc yesterday and they left my meds the same.  They talked about putting me back on the Abilify but then called me and said that they weren’t going too.  They said that if I needed anything more they’d increase the Lamictal.  I go back in three weeks.  I really don’t care what they do.  Nothing seems to do that much for me.  Sometimes, I wonder why I even bother taking the meds but then I think of my children and grandchildren and what life would be like if I didn’t take them.  I have went off of them several times only to hit a disaster.  I don’t know where the ideas come from that tell me that it is okay to stop taking the meds.  I just so tired and fed up with most everything.  Does it ever get better?  I’m afraid to see the answer to that one.  I see my therapist on Thursday.  It helps some to talk with him.  I still have the rest of today and tomorrow though before Thursday gets here.  I don’t know what to do with myself except to sleep as much as possible.  I can’t even face the world without falling apart.  There just isn’t enough hours in the day to sleep.  I wish that I could sleep all the time.  I know that really doesn’t solve anything but I at least don’t have to think.

I feel so rageful right now that I could throw a brick through  a window.  It is so difficult to stay level and then someone has to go and do something so stupid that really pisses you off.  I ask myself why I let it bother me so much and I can’t even find an answer to that.  I guess I just need to calm down but I don’t see that happening anytime soon.  If people would just think before they act,life would be so much better.  What is even worse is when the person acts like they don’t understand why you are so pissed off.  I think that makes the rage even stronger.

I got my results back from my MRI.  It shows a herniated disk.  I wasn’t happy to hear that but at least it is something that can more than likely be corrected.  The pain however, is driving me crazy.  I get so depressed because I don’t feel like doing much of anything.  I also saw the pdoc today.  They are going to try to get me a lower co-pay on the Abilify.  They think that I need to be on it but I told them I could not afford what the insurance company is asking.  It is a rip off what insurance companies charge sometimes.  I just feel like griping today.  I have had a long day.  Went to the Social Security office this morning for some papers I needed.  On top of that, the two other dr. appts.  It has been a busy day but at least I have accomplished something.