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nordicnicki
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« on: August 06, 2008, 01:46:57 PM » |
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woke up full of life and very busy then it hit me like walking into a lamp post,didnt see it coming .......the panic,knots in my stomach,sweating,heart pounding,nausia....all from me having to leave the house and go out in public....shit i could hardly walk at all....i must have looked like a junkie or drunk the way i acted....but i couldnt stop it ,it just got worse.got to a point where i just didnt move at all and stood there on the path staring at the ground trying to pluck up the courage to go on....it was just as far to go back so it made no difference to me feeling safe and secure.
body like a lead weight with concrete shoes to match...blurred vision so i could hardly see and partial hearing.scared i think is thr right word and im trying to hide it from my kids....its hard to do.
my mind is wandering to cutting and im fighting that now too....if i just could ddo it i would be fine im sure i would....but then if i do i have failed everyone after all my promises to stop..arrrrggggghhhh......why cant someone take over and look after me for a change.
i wonder what it would be like to just go with it all and not have to hide and fight so hard....i cant stand this.
been trying for days lost in a maze of feelings.its never been easy always been hard but i dont want to give up ...i cant....for others sake but for me im tired of life and cant find a way through
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bound and tied in emotion but still we fly.losing all my reason cause theres nothing left to blame.
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high maintenence
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« Reply #1 on: August 06, 2008, 04:08:42 PM » |
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I feel so much like you do, Nicki. I'm tired of living this life. This is not how my life was supposed to turn out. I want it to be better. Everytime I take a step forward, I take two steps back, and I mean it, I'm not kidding. I have had days where I decided to go out to the store, and even one day I took my children to an amusment park, but I am floored for days afterward. I don't see how I am even needed in this life by anyone. I'm not wanting pity, I'm just serious about the fact that I don't see how I do any good. I hold my family back from leading their lives. They are even getting depressed. They don't get much exercise because I don't take them anywhere, so they just sit around watching TV and playing video games. They have gotten so lazy and they are putting on weight that they surely didn't have before. They used to be little toothpicks. I am a hinderance in their life. They say I'm not, but I don't expect them to say, "yes mommy, you are a sore thumb stuck in the middle of our lives".
Nicki, like I said, I know how you feel....and what can we do to make things better? I'm desperate and miserable!
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nordicnicki
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« Reply #2 on: August 07, 2008, 04:33:26 AM » |
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my kids hate me being like this,they tell me regularly......but they have no choice either they are stuck with me.....today is no better and i wonder what i wake up for.....thought i would ttry some drawing but again it turns out to be dark sick things that i draw....nothing happy or inspirational.....
i think my wand is broke as it dont seem to be doing anyone any good right now.
in the back of my head is a voice telling me that it will get better then the others just laugh at that as if to say yer in your dreams maybe.
shit i dont know high,i have no answers.....i read through things that joe and clayton post to find some hope in it,they always have a good explanation,but this time i really cant find anything at all that helps......i could drink but i know thats just a bad cop out...i want to cut and im struggling not to....i feel tied up with emotions which are opposite to each other and im stuck in between the ribbons of words.harmony,confusion,disgust,euphoric,beautiful, loathing it just goes on and on round and round my head........i give up fighting
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bound and tied in emotion but still we fly.losing all my reason cause theres nothing left to blame.
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clayton
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« Reply #3 on: August 07, 2008, 08:05:34 AM » |
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Joe Buck gave me a potpourri of reasons why he studies BPD--basically, I think he likes to, and that is all there is to it. Maybe you should find something that you like--not love, just like--something innocent, and just spend some time with that--maybe that would help.
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Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the law---Love is the law, love under will.
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k
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« Reply #4 on: August 09, 2008, 06:07:45 PM » |
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nicki and high i wish i had something to say that would help. i feel for you both and i understand the feelings and the thoughts that go with them. it may not seem like much to write it all down here but please take some comfort in knowing others are here and in sharing we bear witness to each other's struggle and life. i feel deeply about both of you. please keep sharing. k
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in the end, only kindness matters...jewel
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elwood
Full Member
 Offline
Posts: 173
George my boy. RIP
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« Reply #5 on: August 12, 2008, 01:28:01 AM » |
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I don’t have a lot to add except that I have extreme trouble doing or going places. I even have trouble stepping out of the house. Monday was a prime example, I got up in the morning but I stayed in the house all day. Yes it was hot out Monday but I would have stayed in if it was nice.
I was lucky enough to have my son come over on Thursday and Friday which absolutely wore me out. He is 17 but I get so nervous about him being bored here that I can’t sleep and I find it hard just to relax and enjoy myself.
Then when he left I just basically collapsed. I couldn’t do a thing on Saturday, and I don’t remember Sunday that well.
Isn’t it time for a manic cycle?
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Living alone again.
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