existence

[high maintenence]

This is how my daily routine goes now...I get out of bed around 11am everyday. I fix a drink and oatmeal or cereal, and sit down in front of the tv..I watch a few shows that I like ( the judge and court shows and family feud), then I will get on the computer for a bit, sit back down in front of the tv for evening shows (tonight will be 'Last Comic Standing'), take all of my drugs, then get on the computer until I feel I can sleep. Then, I struggle to sleep. All I want to do is sleep. I have dreams of the way things used to be and in them I feel the way I used to feel and do the things I used to do. Last night I was dreaming of an entire workday (who thought I would miss that)? Occasionally I will yell at one of my children and depending on my mood, I may spend a few good minutes with them. I don't like my husband much at this moment because after all of this time, he seems to have forgotten that I have this illness. I can't talk to him much anymore because he just dismisses what I say. I just say the "usual", and it's getting old to him I guess, meanwhile, he's still enjoying his time at home supposedly "taking care of me". I'm just so frustrated. I want to change this routine. I have forced myself several times lately to go out and do things that I really didn't want to and I've even forced myself to walk on the treadmill and do a little strength training. I just can't stick to any of it. I get so disgusted at myself when I realize that I can't do these things the way I used to. I would walk 5 miles and it wouldn't phase me...now I walk 1/4 mile and I'm winded. My husband says "at least you walked 1/4 of a mile more than you did yesterday". That is a positive way to look at it, although I don't feel positive things. Negativity and depression has taken my body over and if I can't get out of it, nothing will get better. I'm just so desperate for things to change, but feel like I can't push myself to make a change. Why can't I just get up and do the things that I want to do? Some docs have said, "don't push yourself, just take care of yourself and give your body what it needs at the moment and the rest will come in time". Other docs have said "get your ass up and push yourself". I've tried both. Pushing myself seems to send me two steps backwards and with the other option...I've waited a long time and my body is just deteriorating, and I don't feel that it's helping to just wait around until my body says it's ready to get up. I wish something, or someone could help me.

[Ramji]

Hi High ....

I'm sorry you're feeling so down.  I'm actually feeling better, BUT ... my memory is shot. Last night a family friend called and I had no idea who he was.   My daughter practically did charades to get me to guess.  I missed a recent appointment with my shrink .... just forgot.  The ECT seems to work to a point.   I still cry very easily.  Hopefully I'll pull it together before next Wednesday when I return to work. 

Please hang in there ..... we all have each other.   I wish we were all closer together.

[clayton]

I used to get out of bed at 11 also, and watch the same kind of shows--Judge Joe Brown, Judge Larry, Judge Judy, and Family Feud; now I always wake at 5, do some reading, etc. turn on the radio, turn off the radio becuse of stupipd commercial, do some writing, and get up around 7. I can only get two channels on TV so not much use watching it.

[francie]

Hello High...

i'm sorry you're having a rough time... my best therapist did encourage me to do a little at the time... not dive in and do everything all at once.  so if the house needed cleaning, well, just do one room, or at least try to vacuum... and he suggested making a list of 4-5 things to get done for the week.  He even said if they are just little things, at least when we cross each item from the list, at least we can step back and say, "well, i did something!".... you don't have to climb mountains! 

your husband has a point -- walking 1/4 mile is good... if you have been out of the walking routine for a while, it's hard to get back at it.  I try to walk a mile or so a day.  Some days are better than others.  I understand that from personal experience. 

and as far as him understanding your illness or paying attention to it all the time, i think we are the ones who need to attend to that... after all, no one else understands bipolar disorder or our symptoms except us.  taking the best care of ourselves is all we can do. 

your husband sounds concerned and supportive.  i'm glad he is.  i'm sure it can become nerve-wracking at times...(but at least he's there for you). 

[Phyllis]

High, all I can say is, I feel your pain. I do like you do too. I feel like such a shmuck. I do things when I HAVE to, like the laundry. I might do a major cleaning once a month or every other month. I just don't have the energy. Even with all the coffee I drink! Hang in there babe...

[Skylona]

I say listen to your body. If your body hurts and wants to rest, rest. If you push yourself your body will just rebel and make you more tired longer not to mention push yourself into a depression because your body ran out of serotonin.

I tend not too get on the computer when i'm too tired as I can't hold myself up and if i'm tired my body needs to sleep and rest. Listen to your body you live in it your the only one who can take care of it.

[high maintenence]

Thanks for your responses. It helps so much just to know that you understand. I saw the pdoc today. She asked me what else she could do. I'm not the damn doc, I just tell her how I feel. She said a dozen times that she wanted me to go into the hospital so that she could regulate my meds. I'm not going into a hospital, I've been lots worse off than this and I survived without going into the hospital. My mother thinks I should go. I think that my mother just wants to hand me over to someone else because she's tired of hearing me bitch, so I think I'll just stop bitching to her. I'm seeing the doc every month and that outpatient care should be good enough I think. I'm not hearing voices, or cutting myself and I'm not trying to commit suicide, so I think I'll be ok not going to a hospital. I understand what she's saying, that she wants me to go so that she can play around with my meds while I'm under observation....but, ya'll know as well as I do that you cannot tell for sure how the meds react until you've been taking them for several weeks. Several weeks of a hospital stay would affect too many lives in my household. Anyway...In the end she decreased my dosage of Seroquel and added Tegretol. I've never tried Tegretol, but I am up for anything that may help. I honestly think I need an antidepressant, but you know, they say that an antidepressant will throw us into mania. It's such a bitch.

I've been exercising like crazy for the past few days. I just actually, finally, made up my mind that I am going to move. I get more energy for a little while after exercising, but then I have a hard time winding down and can't sleep at night. I've been working out right after I get up in the mornings so it's not like I'm exercising too close to bedtime or anything. I dunno, but I'm going to keep trying.