New Post & Reply From Russ's Journal

[Joe Buck]

 With all due respect...I am posting these emails because of it's dire importance to us BP's & it's somewhat censorship on this site. Here is new post from Russ & a reply. I believe most BP's get to this point one time or another. I'm sure most of us have tails of horror...on our treatment when we relayed that we are experiencing having suicide idealisations. Mental health, private support & society have a long way to go...in preventing suicide. The tremendous stigma of suicide prevent progress in all areas....JB (Bob)
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Fuck Fuck Fuck.

Tyler is here today. I can't look at him without crying. I need to do this for myself so badly. It's going to hurt him so much. I know that this is so damn unfair to him. But I just can't do this anymore. Even making it to next Sunday is a struggle. I want to give up now. I should not have to wait. This is my life dammit. I have the right to give up don't I?

I feel so fucking guilty. I have given him as much as I can. There is just nothing left.

I appreciate all of the responses on here but I am not trying to hurt anyone. I don't want you to put effort into this. This is the first thing I have done in my life that feels right. Every life has a beginning and an end. It's just time.

I do know one thing for sure. I really wish I did not have to die alone. I would like to atleast talk to Kendra while I fall asleep but I don't trust that she wouldn't call someone. So alone it will have to be. Today has been a really rough day. There were a brief moment or two where I could see a way out. I hate when that happens. It just all comes crumbling down. There really is no way out.

I lost the calm feelings that i had yesterday. I am hoping that it comes back. I am afraid that I won't go through with it. Or if I do I am more afraid that I will change my mind and end up as one of  those  people.

I am tired. I am going to lay down. I will be back. I have my therapy appt tomorrow. I am going to be honest with her. She has earned that right. I love Carrie. She is the one woman that has not left me. Too bad she has to be there.

There really is no value in this life.

I am sorry everyone. I should start writing these thoughts privately but I do suppose that it would be nice to have some people in the world understand that I did try to avoid this....Russ
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REPLY

Russ,

This is by no means a guilt trip nor will I try to persuade you to live. Only you can choose life over death. I want to share with you my story for I have been on both sides.

The first time I tried to take my life I was four. I saw no way out of the hell my brother and I lived in. I looked for ways for both of us to go together. I didn't want to leave him behind. My pain has always been greater than any joy I have stumbled across. I've never had a sense of purpose. I like you always thought I would be better off.  When I was ten, my mother tried to end her life. Until recently, I have always thought this to be my fault. I never knew she was sick, I just thought I wasn't good enough. Even with that I would still spend the next decade trying to end my life. I am never successful. I just can't seem to get it right even in death. About 10 years ago my aunt, whom I was very close too, took her life. She left behind 3 children and the rest of us who loved her. Again I felt responsible. Even if we know and accept suicide as an option, there is always behind some guilt. I don't know of anyone who's ever been able to take that away. You may not always see it but you do have people in your life that care. Family is not always blood related. Even now that you are having a difficult time, I respect your honesty. You are willing to have the conversation I won't. I've been out of the hospital for 6 weeks now and although I feel better I am still suicidal. It never leaves me. I fear it will taunt me forever. I guess I am one of "those" people. I have stopped counting the attempts. All I know is that I seem to make a bigger mess when I try. I know you feel there is no other option but I ask that you take a second look. In the end it will be your choice and I will not take that away from you.

I ask that you try a small exercise. I did this in the hospital and it broke me. Pick 3 index cards or pieces of paper; whatever you have handy will suffice. Write down three roles in your life that you play. Then think about the three roles and put them in order of least important to most important. Now write what that roles means to you, what you do etc. Now take those same three roles and write down what it would mean to no longer have it. What would you do with your time, etc etc. I found this to be a very telling experience. I know hang up those cards so I don't forget how important I am to others.

They say we impact those we don't know. Sharing your life with us has given much to others. Some who comment, some who don't. We take a little of everyone on this site and somehow it makes this disease seem less scary and allows us to feel less alone. So know, I have been in your shoes and I understand.

Blessed Be