Funny Quotes

[Joe Buck]

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

Death is hereditary.

Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.

Always borrow money from a pessimist.  He won't expect it back.

Accept that some days you're the pigeon and some days you're the statue.

I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier.

Judge me all you want, but keep the verdict to yourself

You have ONE advantage over me.....you can kiss my ass and I can't!!

treat everyone the same, till you find out there an idiot"

Ashes to Ashes Dust-to-Dust, Life is short so Party We must!

You have a right to your opinions. I just don't want to hear them."

Sometimes your the dog, sometimes your the hydrant"

I'm on a seafood diet. When I see food, I eat it."

It's not whether you win or lose; it's how you place the blame."

A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt."

"The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get."

Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe."

"I'm in no condition to drive...wait! I shouldn't listen to myself, I'm drunk!" -Homer J. Simpson

Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning."

"Half of the people in the world are below average."

"If you don't know where you are going, you will wind up somewhere else!"

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

"Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invaribly they are both disappointed."

"I can resist everything except temptation."

"The direct use of force is such a poor solution to any problem, it is generally employed only by small children and large nations."

"The shortest distance between two points is under construction."

One has fear in front of a goat, in back of a mule, and on every side of a fool

"Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand."

"42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot"

"A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory."

"Never drive through a small Southern town at 100mph with the local sheriff's drunken 16-year-old daughter on your lap."


"It is not MY fault that I never learned to accept responsibility”

"Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the 'Y' becomes silent.”

[biPOLAREXPRESS]

People who live in glass houses,should use their next door neighbors bathroom.

Don't play leapfrog with a Unicorn.


Joe Buck....where do get all your jokes?...I laugh everyday...Thank you so much!