Looking back on cutting

[Jennie]

ii use to cutt myself alot. people that don't understand think that ii did it for attention, but really, it was th only pain ii could handle. i'de rather have physical pain that can go away later, than emotional pain that never heals. Sometimes ii get so upset that my whole body goes numb to where the feeling is unbearable and that's when ii grab a sharp object that could penetrate my skin. Cutting myself as if it were nothing as if ii was drawing an angry painting.Then after it's over ii finally realize what i've done and start to sob and slowly fall asleep. There was a time ii cut the word "gangster" in my arm. Afterwards ii didn't even realize that ii had done it. ii started to freak out wondering what had happend. Doc. told me that ii had somewhat split personality disorder, that when things get so rough for me, my brain tells me to turn into someone else not even knowing. and ii guess that someone else ii turned into thought she was a gangster.=\ ii really resent having this scarr on my arm. even though ii didn't intentionally do it.=\-sigh-
-p.s ii am not currently cutting myself. It has been almost 3 months since my last time.-

[Phyllis]

I can relate, I am a former cutter myself. I cut myself for a relase, a relase of the pain that was inside of me to come out. Sometimes I was so numb, I just cut to see if I could still feel.

[Jennie]

Sometimes ii have the urge to do it again, but ii don't for the sake of my family. However, sometimes ii feel like one day i'm going to lose control over myself and do it anyways.

[datgentry]

congratulations for three months of not cutting....that is a big deal to be able to sustain from doing it....I use to scratch my arms up for release of pain....it always brought me more pain in the end....I can relate to thinking that it could happen again.......

[beaneebabie]

I can relate because I cut myself. For me it is like a release of pain and anger. I only cut during a depressive time. Good for you not cutting for 3 months, I wish I could say the same for me!

[Jennie]

yes it is very hard beaniebabie.
i'm actually having an episode right now,
wanting to do it, holding the pain inside.
This is the only place ii can actually talk to people that understand,
everyone else thinks i'm a nuttcase or attention getter.

ii want to cry so badly, and yet, nothing comes out.
Wanting to cutt, but part of me doesn't have the will power.
Could it be that maybe i'm healing, and all of this is over?
Or maybe it's the next step to getting worse?
ii guess ii just have to wait and see.
ii just hope that when ii wait it's not as bad as ii think it's going to be

[KATE336]

have you seen Secretery? That movie is so good. It shed a lot of light on cutting for me. I did cut once. I tried to make a home tattoo. I loved this boy, mohamed, so I cut an "M" into my upper arm and smeared india ink in it. it didn't really work as a permanent thing, but I had a rocking M all summer. I felt the crudeness exposed my raw feelings for him.

[nordicnicki]

i was reading all your comments about cutting and i hope that those of you who stopped are still doing well at not going there again.........unfortunately i started again after a number of years of stoping,the downside is i am often unaware that i have done it until the next day and i wonder why my arm is so sore or where the blood stains have come from...leaves me feeling very ashamed and angry at myself

[Jennie]

It's okaii...
ii think we've all been through the faze of doing that..
But like they say never get a tattoo of anyones name except your true family. not a husband or anything like that because you'll never know what'll happen in the future.
As for the movie secretary, no ii haven't seen it but i'll look into it.=]
For those of you who have also stopped cutting or making an attempt to.
Great! i'm really happy for you.
May everything go well for you.=]
As for the people that are still struggling.
It's okaii..only time will tell...in time..maybe the wounds inside will heal and let you stop making scars of your own on the outside.
-maybe this will help you maybe it wont.
But ii have found that sometimes when ii feel like cutting, running as fast as ii can helps. or putting all my anger and frustrations into the punching bag. yoga, anything that gets you moving and not just sit there.
ii usually get depressed when ii have nothing to do but sit around giving my mind time to wander.
So get up and do something that gets you moving!!
Unfortunatly for me, ii really don't like moving at all.
All i've been doing is eating my problems away lately.=\
ii know it's unhealthy but, ii always feel like i'm powerless and have no energy at all as if ii were a senior.
The only time ii have the great energy ii want is when i'm manic.=\ figures.

[nordicnicki]

sometimes have the vision of slicing open my leg slowly and watching the blood trickle and then pour from the open wound,the whole idea seems such a great release of hurt,anger,frustration.makes me smile.
as for tattoos if i could spend my days having art inked onto my body.......i would be eternally happy,it feels so good,i can disappear to another wotrld,warm,happy,safe,peaceful.....my tattoooist has now recognised when i am in a fit stste of mind to have them done and always asks me to explain my drawings to him....i am very lucky that he cares and doesnt want me to have things i will regret because of my frame of mind...
still cutting and hate myself for it :'(

[Jennie]

Well of course most people are going to tell you that those are not a positive coping skill.
However, i'm no doctor and ii can't stop you from doing the things you do.
But if ii were to tell you which of your coping skills are better than the other.(niether are positive)
but ii would say that doing a bunch of tattoos are better than cutting.
You see...with having alot of tattoos that's something you pretty much see almost everyday on the streets.
But cuts all over yourself...how would you explain that to your loved ones?
Or younger people that are curious and might even look up to you.
Think of it this way....someone could actually follow your footsteps.
So when you stop, not only do you help yourself, you help others too...
   Just another way to look at it.
I'm glad that you have a nice bond with your tattooist.=]
ii hope all goes well with you...
And that that vision you had does not become reality.
take care...

[high maintenence]

I am a cutter and do it for the same reason..realease of pain. It is so messed up that people think you would permanately scar your body for life just to get attention. I mean, I guess in a way you are trying to gain attention because for my it was also a cry out for help. I had been telling my family for so long the misery I was in and I couldn't help myself. I did I think in a subconcious way perform the cutting as to let them know that things were as bad as I was saying. Nevertheless, you have to be sick in order to do it and people should get their ass kicked that mock us, laugh at us, assholes. I only do it when I am manic, like after a week of absolutely no sleep and that was almost a year ago. Now I'm just do depressed to find a sharp object. It would take too much energy. I don't want to cut anyway, drowning sounds more appealing to me. Get up and do yoga and move around...not likely.

[Jennie]

ii know ii hate that people would think you'd want to permanently scar yourself for attention.
It was very much a release of pain for me..
ii guess at that moment ii felt good for about 2 seconds.
Afterwards it's like, "what the hell was ii thinking?!?"
But ii have an answer for that.
When i'm in the state of cutting ii guess no pain can compare the the pain ii feel inside.
Hoping external pain will replace internal pain and sooner or later cancel each other out..
=\ negative ii know, but someone has to know how ii feel right?

[nordicnicki]

i agree to some extent that sometimes cutting is the only way for others to seee just how bad you realy are and though you may not ask you do need help.........not that there is really any good reason for doing it,but those of us that do completely understand the need and then the shame after of what we have done.....im probably talking crap now

[clayton]

I'm surprised there are so many cutters here!