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cadno
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« on: October 13, 2009, 09:06:25 AM » |
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I have no idea what is going on right now, my mood is numb, that's the only word. Yet inside I can feel a sort of storm brewing, its almost as though this numb feeling is my brain trying to defend against the beast within (sounds dramatic doesn't it). I'm scared right now and I'm not a guy who often admits that, oh great here comes tears, what happened to the numb feeling?
I'm scared because I'm not used to this in a sense, how can I explain this while crying, I hate this.
Most of my life I've dealt with the psychotic aspects, they were the main cause of my distress, but now they are taking a back seat and my moods decide to play havoc on me. What the hell do you do when you know something is about to happen and you have no idea what is going to happen to you, your loved one etc when you do.
I don't know if any of this is making sense, I don't even know if I care, yes that numb feeling is back, the tears didn't last long, must be that brain defense thing again. I'll stop babbling now, no idea what to do, I don't get to see my GP until friday and my next mood clinic isn't until next month!!
Cadno
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Phyllis
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« Reply #1 on: October 13, 2009, 12:37:10 PM » |
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I'm sorry you are going through this. It truly sucks. Is there any way you can call the mood clinic and let them know you are having a rough go of it and need to be seen sooner?
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cadno
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« Reply #2 on: October 13, 2009, 01:31:50 PM » |
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Oh I'd love to, but all I get told is this 'if it gets too severe call the crisis team'. So much for preventative measures eh
Cadno
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k
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« Reply #3 on: October 13, 2009, 05:09:10 PM » |
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cadno, i've think i understand a little. i've been going through this a little. sometimes it seems like i'm totally numb - can't seem to feel anything, nothing touches me, nothing inspires me - even the things i love. i sit and think and it just seems sloggish in my brain and then 2 seconds later my brain feels like an empty cavern and i'm bouncing around in it lost unable to connect or find a place to grab onto and i feel panicked and anxious - seems like there is no rhyme or reason to it. think a thought will come over me and i'll be overwhelmed and cry. of coarse at other times thoughts come over me and i just start laughing... hah, bp!
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in the end, only kindness matters...jewel
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nordicnicki
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« Reply #4 on: October 13, 2009, 05:28:11 PM » |
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firstly dont be scared.....secondly you really need to see someone i soon i reckon.
i totally sympathise with it all and often feel this way myself.....its no fun
what medication are you own?
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bound and tied in emotion but still we fly.losing all my reason cause theres nothing left to blame.
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cadno
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« Reply #5 on: October 13, 2009, 05:30:01 PM » |
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Hit the nail on the dead, and at this moment I'm having a rather lucid moment so I'm to articulate what I mean, but you've already done it  I once said I had a handle on this, but I think its broke  The only good thing I have at the moment is my wife is doing her best to motivate me without pushing me hard, though earlier I did take her head off which I'm still feeling VERY guilty for and as people know, this and guilt don't mix well. Thankfully I believe she understood it wasn't entirely normal me, why oh why does this have to have such an affect on behaviour. I'm a nice guy, I ain't got a nasty bone in my body and yet when this gets going I am the devil himself when it comes to how horrible I'm capable of being. As for medication, I'm on Priadel (Lithium) and Olanzipine, the Olanzipine seems to be doing the trick at the moment but the moods aren't good. Also I have diazipam if things get too much, its a take when needed thing, up until now I've rarely used it. Cadno |
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nordicnicki
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« Reply #6 on: October 13, 2009, 05:39:30 PM » |
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if you dont mind me asking what mg are you taking of them?
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bound and tied in emotion but still we fly.losing all my reason cause theres nothing left to blame.
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cadno
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« Reply #7 on: October 13, 2009, 05:42:02 PM » |
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No problems asking I'm taking 800mg once a day of Lithium and 5mg Olanzipine (any higher and I had bad side effects). The diazipam is 5mg Cadno |
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nordicnicki
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« Reply #8 on: October 13, 2009, 05:46:47 PM » |
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your lithium sounds very near what the starting dose is......maybe it needs increasing.....you should ask your doc about it as you really shouldnt be feeling how you are on medication.but then it is a lot of trial and error as what works for one may not for the next
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bound and tied in emotion but still we fly.losing all my reason cause theres nothing left to blame.
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cadno
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« Reply #9 on: October 13, 2009, 05:52:43 PM » |
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They've mentioned increasing is a few times and I'm supposed to get an appointment, which sadly never comes and I end up chasing them. I have one for the 2nd of next month and hopefully the doctor will be there as its the mood stabalizing clinic. The sad part is I've gone there before and the doctor has been called out somewhere else. I started in 400mg, then moved up to 800mg, last time I spoke with my psych he wanted it increased to 1200mg. This is understandable as I'm a big bloke and I'm betting its going to take a fair old dosage to get through lol (yes I can laugh at that). i seem to be stable at the moment, though I can sort of feel that fog coming over again, getting the feeling its going to be one of those nights where I can't sleep and go crazy because I need my sleep Cadno |
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nordicnicki
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« Reply #10 on: October 13, 2009, 06:02:20 PM » |
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aww big hugs cadno
i hate nights like that....thats when i would often draw if i have the patients to sit still.....i find myself wandering round the house quietly going out of my head.
i started on 500mg of lithium but they quickly realised it wasnt enough....im now on 1200mg(i think).i still get depressed but no where near as bad...no more suicidal thoughts and my manic episodes are much better(i used to be convinced i could fly and would jump out of windows).i still cycle but rarely does it all happen in a day like previously....
i have lots i could say but find it hard to get out onto screen as my brain is thinking faster than i can type
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bound and tied in emotion but still we fly.losing all my reason cause theres nothing left to blame.
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cadno
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« Reply #11 on: October 13, 2009, 06:06:37 PM » |
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No need to say anymore, just having someone understand what on earth I'm talking about is something that words can not express. O'll survive this night as I do most nights, the suicidal thoughts have visited but I quickly showed them the door as I didn't want them just popping around, the nerve of some thoughts I tell you.
Cadno
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cadno
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« Reply #12 on: October 13, 2009, 08:39:16 PM » |
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Ok, felt the urge to babble a little more, my mood is lifting after three whole days of this. the problem is I'm not sure what its lifting to if that makes any sense at all. I almost feel like this is the calm before the storm, I'm being open and honest when I say its been a bloody long time since I've been this way so its hard to cope. I guess I need to learn coping skills for moods now to add to my large array of psychosis coping skills. The problem is I'm not even sure what I'm doing right now, I know i have the urge to type but I'm not entirely sure why I need to. I'm going to try going out tomorrow, perhaps visit my mother and see hows she's doing. Its not a long journey but gives me two challenges while in my current frame of mind. I have to go out for a start then I have to manage a bus journey of about 10 minutes. Don't sound like much but my anxiety levels are sky high whenever I walk out the door over the last couple of days and a bus ride with the potential of idiots is not something I fancy, but I have to try.
Cadno
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nordicnicki
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« Reply #13 on: October 14, 2009, 01:35:11 AM » |
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well by the sounds of it you are in a place where we have all been at some time or other on more than one occassion.....all you can do for the present is just hang on in there.
lots of us go through the whole finding it hard to leave the house.I tend to get very paranoid and feel everyone is watching and judging me that in turn makes me very anxious....i tend to leave my house as little as possible and cant really recal when i last went food shopping,other people do it for me.
the hardest thing i find is working....going to and from my workplace is an ordeal,its only a ten minute walk but it seems like forever some days and my chest tightens,i breathe fast and just want to run back home again.i find it quiet exhausting mentally and physically trying to keep it all bottled up during the day.
sorry now i am rambling on....
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bound and tied in emotion but still we fly.losing all my reason cause theres nothing left to blame.
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Cathy
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« Reply #14 on: October 14, 2009, 08:56:32 AM » |
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Glad you're starting to feel somewhat better...I know how difficult it can be to make yourself go out when it's the last thing you feel like doing.
Btw I find 600mg Priadel is enough for me but I'm a very slight person and everyone responds differently so it could well be you require an increase. The NHS can be very frustrating, I'm lucky I have a good pdoc who genuinely seems to care. It seems unfair that you have to chase them constantly to get the treatment you need. Fingers crossed things improve soon, take care.
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