Literally babbling :(

[cadno]

Thanks Nicki

At the moment I'm still on the tail end of a good high and I know its going to take a few weeks before the meds start to show any significant changes in my moods, but I'm on top of the world right now.  The GP was almost a waste of time except that it dawned on them that they literally have no records regarding my blood work or condition in general.  Looks like miscommunication between them and the mental health unit at the hospital.  Thankfully its sorted now and in addition I can count on regular checkups on my thyroid, kidney function and general health.

Cadno

[Paz]

 As far as lithium goes...your size has nothing to do with your dosage...I was on 1100mgs of it, and I am a small person. It has to do with how bad your mood swings are. I used to take 1100mgs lithium, AND 500 mgs depakote. I needed 2 mood stabilizers for awhile, cuz my mood swings were so severe. Now that I am better, I am off both of those drugs, I take Neurontin now for my mood stabilizer,and I am very happy.

[cadno]

Mine have been pretty severe, but what gets me is the sheer speed that I can switch lately.  Poor Pdoc got a load of me on a major high yesterday and finally understood what my wife and I have been trying to say to him.  Hopefully this is as far up as the dose needs to go, as I said I won't know for a few weeks as the meds settle in my system in general.  The good thing is while that is happening I'm on a good high, not hypermanic, just manic, which is something I can live with

As for the weight thing, thanks for the info, was wondering about it due to the way lithium works.  Guess I need to do further research and better understand my medication, can't hurt really to be better educated

Cadno

[Paz]

 Has your Doc ever suggested adding depakote[a small dose] to your lithium? I can relate to a lot of your mood swings...I was a pretty severe ultra rapid cycling maniac [BP1]. I honestly needed the 2 mood stabilizers to finally calm me down enough so I could start dealing with living with BP. I used to hear things and see things and I was always up...I'd get depressed for like 1 day, then Up, Up, Up all over again, then down [severely] for a day, then repeat....argh!!! It was terrible, I was very difficult to live with. Thank Heavens our son was just a baby at the time, so he won't remember any of it...I finally got on the 2 stabilizers when he turned 2, and I started to calm down, and deal with BP. Now I am much better. I still mood swing, but they haven't been so terrible, [and I hope they never get that bad again] I know how to deal with them, cuz when I calmed down, I was able to absorb a lot of the therapy and advice[coping skills] so now when I start to feel off, I can implement those skills, and use what meds I might need to remain calm & happy.

[cadno]

At the moment I consider myself a work in progress, I'll go through each motion they suggest and implement it accordingly, thankfully I'm the type of person who won't give up on this, taken me a long time to reach that stage as before I looked for so many ways to quit the race.  Borrowing a line from a song with my own flare I'm a painting that the paint has yet to dry.

Cadno

[cadno]

Hmmm, one of those moods I hate, I don't want to do anything in particular while at the same time being completely and utterly bored out of my brain.  The new dosage isn't showing any signs of working yet but it is early days so fingers crossed.  I do hate being like this but then it does beat the alternative of being completely loopy (yes I've had a few days of high and its finally come to a stop).  The only real problem I have is something that I had to accept as part of taking meds and that is the slow, delibrate death of my libido.  I still have moments of hypersexuality but to those who know what that is like its not the sort of sex drive you want, mainly because you can get yourself into some pretty nasty situations if you aren't careful (which during you are not).  The good thing about this mood is that I'm able to reflect on things, there are things here on the forum that still play on my mind but alas it is often said that its better to leave sleeping dogs lay.  But I am able to articulate how things have been, I have gone through a rollacoaster of emotions that have made me happy, sad, energetic and even suicidal. 

SO what does this all mean to me right now?

Simple answer is the best, I am still working on how to cope with my condition, as time goes by I want to be able to hold my head up and say I have tamed the beast just enough to do all the things it has prevented me doing.  I know I'm lining myself up for a fall with that thinking, but without hope what else is there?

Cadno

[cadno]

I have no idea why I'm even typing right now but its better than the thoughts in my head, slowly they are driving me mad.  I have images of strange sexual desires, the flash of me cutting myself and even thoughts that will mean ultimately that I could harm those closest to me.  Why am I having these thoughts, why am I feeling this way?

I'm numb to feeling yet bubbling just beneath that are those feelings, even my psychosis is having a go at me, its like someone turned the volume up and I'm having my own heavy metal gig inside my head.  That wouldn't be too bad if I could make sense out of it, but I can't and its just a deafening sound.  I'm slow, tired and unmotivated and yet if I just tapped into the thoughts in my head I know I'd find the strength to carry out whatever fiendish plot that is in there.  Part of me right now wants to just down a bunch of pills with a nice expensive bottle of port.  If anything it would kill me, if not I'd have the best trip of my life or end up being VERY ill.  Thankfully that last part is helping, I don't like being ill and even in full blown downers its enough to make me stop and think.

My lithium may have been up'd but I'm still not feeling any effect from it, its almost as though I'm getting worse.  Why is life so cruel, why can't I just have a brain that works on things that need dong as opposed to finding ways to but a stop fo me having what I want.  Theres another problem, I want things that I can't have or even need for that matter.  Oh that's lovely, now I have a feeling, my sex drive seems to be kicking in but not in a way I would define as normal.  Why on earth do I have these feelings, I just don't think I can take any more.  I'm fighting the best I can but its pointless isn't it, I'm stuck with this.

Cadno

[Phyllis]

it's an uphill battle for all of us. even when stable/level you have to fight to stay that way. it's a damn difficult fight - fighting to stay above water, fighting to stay sane if that is even at all possible. just keep fighting the good fight. don't give into temptation good or bad.

[Paz]

 Phyllis is right...an uphill battle 24/7. A constant struggle. Try not to fret...I was feeling so well for so long, I really thought that I had "won" my battle with BP. Unfourtunatley all it took was an upsetting event to set me off, but the good news is that with my period of stability I had incredible peace of mind, which for a BP1 is a great gift. I have bounced back, and I have to say it seems to be getting a little easier each time. Living with this just bites...but there is hope. Don't give up!! And don't give into temptation.