Do's and Don'ts (For Friends and Family)

[Phyllis]

This has been around the net for a while, but I found it pertinant to post in here. If this is something the mods don't want placed here, please feel free to remove it or move it to a proper place. Thanks.

Do's and Don'ts
Supporting Someone with Bipolar - For Family and Friends
When someone is depressed, it is difficult for them, but also difficult for family and friends to know what to say and do. Below is a list of suggestions that we hope you find helpful.

DO learn everything you can about this disorder. The more you know, the better equipped you will be to know what to expect.


DO realize I am angry and frustrated with the disorder, NOT with you.


DO let me know you are available to help me when I ask. I'll be grateful.


DO understand why I cancel plans, sometimes at the last minute.


DO continue to invite me to all the activities. I never know from day to day or minute to minute how I will feel and just because I am not able to participate one day does not mean I won't be able to today.


DO feel that you have the right to ask about my doctor or therapist appointments - but DON'T ask me if I'm taking my medications if I'm legitimately upset about something.


DO continue to call me, even when I only seem to want a brief conversation.


DO send cards, notes, and other reminders of our friendship or relationship.


DO offer me lots of hugs, encouragement, and love, even when I seem to withdraw.


DON'T tell me I look too good to be depressed. I may be really fighting here to stay above water.


DON'T tell me you know how I feel. Each of us is different and two people with this disorder can feel totally different. Pain is a relative thing, this includes emotional pain.

 DO let me know that you understand or that you can relate to what I am saying.
DON'T tell me about your Aunt Margie or the friend of a friend who is managing in spite of this disorder. We are not all the same and I am doing my best.


DON'T tell me to "pull myself up by the boot straps," "snap out of it," "what have you got to be depressed about," "you have so much to be grateful for," "there are a lot of people worse off than you," "happiness is a choice," or the likes. Believe me, if I could "snap" my fingers and have this depression be gone, don't you think I would have done that a long time ago? Don't you think I would choose to be happy?


DON'T tell me not to worry, that everything will be all right or that this is just a passing phase. This is happening to me right NOW and things are NOT all right!


DON'T ask me how I feel, unless you really want to know.
DON'T tell me about the latest fad cure. I want to be cured more than anything and if there is a legitimate cure out there, my personal doctor will let me know. Also, don't call my doctor a quack and encourage me to throw out my medications.


DON'T count me out. This could be the day that I'm ready to accept an invitation.
DON'T give up on me.,

[minerva]

I'm crying as I read this.  Thanks.  I know you understand.

[Gracie]

This is really good. I have never seen it before. I am going to print it out to show to my boyfriend.
Thanks!!!
 Gracie

[Paz]

Good Job posting that list, Phyllis! I have felt that way so many times....it's nice to see it in writing!
 My husband found it very helpful. you have gotten more good karma points! 
 Paz.

[donna14]

One to add:
I do wish my husband would tell me how HE really feels about my disease.  Sometimes I know he is upset but he won't say anything.  I think he is afraid of hurting my feelings.

Donna

[chasemanzmum]

I truely believe that for every family that has atleast 1 person that suffers from BP. If atleast 1 person would be interested enough to research BP and learn all they can. That the world could bea vastly different place.

[datgentry]

Thanks for the list....I especially like the one: don't ask me how I feel unless you want to know.

[hopekenzierj]

I LOVE THIS!!! I just wish my hubby was awake to read it. Thanks

[high maintenence]

One to add:
I do wish my husband would tell me how HE really feels about my disease.  Sometimes I know he is upset but he won't say anything.  I think he is afraid of hurting my feelings.

Donna

Have you really gotten to the point that everything in your life (bills,kids,etc.) is on his shoulders because you are no longer available?

[high maintenence]

Some of this applies to me, but there is some that I wish I could feel. I wish I wanted the cards and invitations. I wish I could make it today, but maybe not tomorrow. I wish I wanted outside people to help, but I just want my immediate family...I want everyone else to go away from me permanately. Does anyone else understand this? My cousin, whom I used to hang out with alot, calls alot and has for a year and been turned down for visits and she continues to press. I've asked her to look up some information on bp because she acts like she has no clue why I'm unavailable to her. I feel that if she really cared, she would familiarize herself with this disorder instead of expecting the world from me. If not...leave me alone. I don't even make plans...I know I won't make it.

This being said...you better not tell me just to get over it
you better not ask me if i'm taking my meds when I'm mad for a damn good reason
and if one more person calls my doc a quack and tells me to throw away me meds....i'm gonna throw 'em right at them and never go see that damn doc again..that one is doing me in

[hopekenzierj]

before my mom died she REFUSED to accept that I had bp and (to be honest I think I partially got it from her)

[high maintenence]

Hope, my mother is the exact same way. I was diagnosed first with frontal lobe brain seizures after an extensive MRI and EEG. When medication for that didn't do any good, I began harming myself and that is when we had to go to the psych. My mother was with me, and my husband. My mother has been absent in my life for a good long time until this. It scared the shit out of all of us, and she instantly became "world's best mom". I am happy that she is here for me, so don't mistake what I said, it is just fact. Anyway as the pdoc began discussing bp disorder with us, doc said it is usually hereditary and asked if we knew anyone in our family affected? She said my lord, honey, I don't know where you could've gotten that from...I though I really would roll off in the floor laughing. I could even see my husband holding it in. She has so got bp..It explains so much from my childhood. Anyway, she never tell anyone about the bp, only about the seizures. She even referrs to it as the "seizures" to me...She will call and say "how are your seizures"? It's a crack really.

[cathylovesjoe]

Think this is great..... my boyfriend hadnt a clue, he was always sayin the wrong thing, or just sayin I dont know what to do... He found this really helpful, dont know if he'll use it but fingers crossed he will..
thanx for postin this anyway its cool

[Frog]

I read this last night and just want to say thanks for posting this it is very true.

[KissMeImBiPolar]

You know....this is wonderful. Truly wonderful.  I'm sitting here crying it as I read it because it's so me...and I'm so glad my husband joined to be able to read this...and hopefully understand me and what my Disorder is a little better....and know that I don't do all the things I do on purpose...I love him immensely....and I'm so tired of putting him through the pain...but I know he's here to stay....

Thanks for this...
Hugs,
Chelbie