I am so frustrated and confused...I don't know what to do. This is terrible for me, cuz for a long time now[10 months] I have been doing so well...feeling normal[really!] healthy, happy, in control. I have only had a handful of episodes in this time, they were not too terribly bad except for one, and I am on minimal meds...I was hoping that this would be the "new normal" for me, you know, feeling well. I guess I should know better, being BP1 and crazy as hell, but a gal can dream, can't she?
I try very hard every day to be happy, to not lose my temper, to try and enjoy life, and not let the BP get me down, or have it define my life. I want to be happy!!! Yet, I am a human being, and BP, so things have the potential to not go smoothly. I know that you all can relate. Well, the past few days I have been a little edgy, but I realized it, and did all the things that I know work to keep my shit together.
I got annoyed about a few things...really, in the grand scheme of things they are not things to get too bent about, but I am human, and I do feel that I am allowed to show emotions other than happiness. Well, since I have been doing well for a long time, when I did get annoyed, I was told by DJ that I was "getting too upset" and that I needed to "step away from the situation" and let him handle it.
Now, what I got bent about was that our son [who is almost 5] sometimes doesn't aim too accurately when he goes potty.[he has his own private bathroom] He is usually pretty good, but the last few days he has been careless. I keep a very clean house, and I have gently reminded him many times to please aim, as cleaning up after him everyday is a wee bit annoying. I don't yell, cuz he's just little, but I am getting a bit frustrated about it. So, tonight when I was drawing his bath, I noticed that he was careless again, and I reprimanded him. I did not yell, but my voice was very stern, and I was really annoyed and frustrated. I hate repeating myself, and I know he knows how to aim properly, so I was irritated. I guess I had a real snotty tone to my voice, cuz then DJ stepped in and told me I was getting too upset.
Well, I saw red when he said that to me, but I didn't say anything. Which brings me to the whole point of this post...frustration.
I mean, I feel like if I ever show any emotion other that happiness, DJ immediately thinks that I am going to start crazy mood swinging mania. It is not fair. I am human, I am allowed to get annoyed, I did not yell or carry on or freak out, yet I feel that sometimes I am under a microscope...do you know what I mean? It's like I'm not allowed to get mad, ever, cuz then he thinks that I am starting to go down that slippery slope, and that things will go back to being difficult. Believe me, I do not want that to happen! I just want to be allowed to get upset once in awhile without people thinking I'm going to lose it. I don't feel like I was losing it tonight, I was just frustrated. I know that the whole thing was not anything that was really worth getting bent about, but I am not perfect! Sometimes I get annoyed! Is that so terrible? Am I not allowed to show feelings other than the ones that make people feel comfortable? I am feeling really shitty about myself, yet I really didn't do anything that warrants me to feel this way. I just feel like my behaviour is being scrutinized. Don't get me wrong, I love DJ dearly, and he takes excellent care of me and our son, he is always looking out for me, helping me to stay calm and easing my stress...he is wonderfully supportive. But, I feel like he is always waiting for me to screw up...watching me like a hawk. I feel defective,broken. And it sucks. Maybe I'm just ungrateful and selfish..
