I just don't get it...

[Paz]

 What is wrong with me? Things can be going so well, I feel good, my husband & son are healthy and happy, we have no worries, we live in a beautiful place, yet...I have this little, lingering feeling of sadness. Why can't I be totally happy? I really try my hardest to be well, I eat right, exercise,take vitamis & minerals, take care of my looks[yes, I am a little vain] I take care with my appearence[clothes, jewelry, makeup, perfume]. Some would say I have a very nice life. So, why am I sad? I get really angry at myself for feeling this way, it's like WTF do I have to be sad about? But it's like I have this scar in my soul...like I know deep down that because of my mood swings I will never be able to feel totally at peace, which I guess I equate with happiness. I probably sound like a spoiled brat[which I kind of am] but I have experienced so much sorrow and loss that I feel broken, that I will never be at peace with myself and the thoughts that fly around in my head. Is it the BP that causes this? Or do "normal" people also have that angst inside of them?  Sorry to babble...I feel very unsatisfied for some reason.

[Phyllis]

I think it's a bp thing. Although other people can feel unsatisfied with their life too. I guess I don't know the answer to your question.   
I know, that was completely unhelpful. 

[Paz]

 Your answer wasn't unhelpful [is that a word?] I don't even know if there is answer that is helpful. Maybe peace of mind is just not possible for people like us...the more I think about it, the more I definately equate peace of mind with happiness, and perhaps I shouldn't. I just feel that if my mind was peaceful, that I would be happier, and calmer. DJ has been telling me for almost 11 years now that I am "high strung" [a polite way of saying I'm a maniac, I think]. Maybe being "high strung" makes it impossible to be peaceful. I have had peaceful moments in the past year, my mind was actually quiet! But those are fleeting moments, and I wish I could hang onto the quiet for a long time. Now I am babbling, so I'll stop typing

[Phyllis]

i think maybe "happiness" is relative. For the most part I am happy meaning content (notice I said for the most part). But am I happy "whoohoooo! sunshine! rainbows!"? no. Of course I've got fucked up thoughts and what not, but I think that just along with the territory. I don't even know if anyone is truly 100 % happy. If they are, there is something wrong with them!  j/k.

[k]

oh god paz,  i could just go ditto ditto ditto.   i too with have been blessed with a lot.  like you i live in a beautiful place and have access to incredibly beautiful places that bring me so much joy.  i have absolutely everything i need,so much more than most people suffering with the economy right now and actually so much more than people who suffer with severe forms of bpd.  anyway, i could go on and on and i never really lose this perspective of feeling grateful.  and, yes, like you i have suffered much loss and pain but again i'm very good in keeping it in perspective as to what other's have (just have to watch the news for that).   BUT,  like you i get these incredible anger spells at myself for not always being happy - maybe not the right word - but when i go into depressions i absolutely hate myself.  what the hell do i have to be depressed about.  and the thing is that i do sometimes know the difference when it's chemical and just my current life experience.   i want to be calm.  i want peace like you.    i just try to find it okay to come and go, up and down but sometimes i need someone who i trust to tell me it's okay to just "suck air" for awhile.  to just be and not hate myself.  and likewise, when i'm going upward and go through all the phases of ecstacy and finally twirl into madness i hate myself for not being smart enough to think my way out of it.  and of coarse by then i'm paranoid of pills and so i need someone else confirm again for me that it's not me that i really have an illness, that i really can't help it. and that i really really need to take pills before i explode.
paz, sorry so long.  i hope you can understand what i just threw together.  if you have questions about what i said or said incorrectly let me know.  cuz i think i truly understand.     oh, and one other thing.  it sounds like both of us come from really screwed up families so there might be a lot of other issues going on besides just bpd.  i wish you strength and calmness.  sorry for any typos too long to edit.

k

[Paz]

 Well K, I guess you could say that my family is screwed up...all my siblings klilled themselves[cuz of BP], and my father is obsessed with all of his money and he can be kind of an asshole...but compared with people who come from abusive homes and the like, my family life is probably not anything to complain about...
 I understand what you are saying about all the other stuff though...and I am glad that people can kind of relate. I don't want to come off as being selfish, it's just hard sometimes to be happy. And when you think about it, being happy is not too much to ask for, is it?

[k]

i know this really doesn't have to do with the majority of what you said but i haven't quit thinking about the "vanity" issue.    i  am and always have been extremely vain.  not in the sense that i think i'm particularily attractive but in the sense that i use to be obsessed with looking my absolute best at all times whether anyone else was around or not.  i was so frightened of someone seeing me without makeup or my hair straightened or even in my pj's - which actually i don't own because they cost too much and a big shirt and shorts work quite fine and then really if someone actually catches me see i'm already dressed.    i was totally obsurd and weird about this and even the idea of someone seeing me sleep or even knowing that i slept or someone seeing me eat because i might look funny chewing or something.   -  but in the end that had to do with other issues besides bipolar.  and well,  after seroquel and age it's not nearly so bad. now i often struggle with just washing my hair - that's bipolar depression!    of coarse there is the fact that i never leave my house or see any one any more............
oh but the thing that i wanted to say was that since i kept myself like that no one could believe anyting was wrong with me.  you know applying for social security or something they'd always say "what's wrong with you you look just fine"   like somehow mental illness has only a specific look.   god i hated it when people said that to me.  i felt like they must be right and so i really wasn't ill just defective and worthless.

[Paz]

 Docs have actually been concerned in the past because I would be so well put together....cuz I am a BP1 maniac, they were worried that I wasn't "calm enough about my appearence" ? maybe they thought I was just manaically vain? 
 I guess we just can't win....if you look like shit, they are concerned, if you look put together, they are concerned...makes a person want to give up.

[Ramji]

Interesting.  I'm constantly concerned about my appearance .... it takes me longer to get ready to go somewhere than it does for my wife.
I'm sort of vain, I guess.  Yet I always think I'm ugly.  When I'm depressed I really look like shit.

Once when I was growing a beard I had to assure the doc it was on purpose an not that I was neglecting myself.

[k]

i was looking for a post already started so that what i write wouldn't be on the home page.  some times it freaks me out.  i was going to post under the topic "paranoid"  but couldn't find it.  but this one is exactly right as well.  i wanted paranoid because i know that's what will set in after i make this post.  i know the board is quiet right now and well....of coarse it's quiet i'm around! -see.   but, i keep coming here wanting something yet knowing there is nothing anyone can do.  yet, at least here or at least i hope here ...i don't know how to finish that.    i've been crying for days now.  but, it's like i already said above, what the hell do i have to be depressed about?  and yet i am.  i am so much so that the pain is truly unbearable.   how can i enjoy so much in life, find so many things interesting, be so capable (physically)  and yet feel so much pain and loss and loneliness that i can't bear to go on.  that to live is pure torture.  and all that comes out is this!  this annoying whine.  oh god that i could give someone what i have.  give it to someone who can use it.  someone who could enjoy it.  someone who deserves it.  i certainly don't.   if only i could trade places with my brother.  goddammit.  he deserved it.  he knew what to do with it.  he honored it and loved it and had things to look forward to and to hang on to.  he.  he.  goes and i stay.  and i'm so sorry. so sorry to him and others that this is all i do with it.     please god forgive me for i am sin.  sin. i am sin itself. 

someone offered to be my friend, well maybe not friend, but someone to talk to.  i told him i was hurting and that i appreciated just hearing from the outside world  just to feel in some way connected.    i went into details about how i had lost my foot in a horrible painful accident and so i asked him if he would perhaps hold my hand for awhile.   and he said sure sure i am a friend to all especially bp's  so i will gladly hold your foot. i wish i had never spoken to him. because his friendhip hurt worse than none at all.