Typical!

[cadno]

There are days I wonder if I'd be better off just sitting alone in a big old house, only coming out to get supplies.  I've had a really good run over the past few months, nothing major, slight manias, odd downs but nothing beyond my control.  I'd even started to plan what I wanted to do with my life, looked up college courses, figured out how I could come off welfare and start to provide for my wife and I.  Just as all that is starting to look like its coming together I get side swiped by this mood I'm now in.  I feel black, there is no other way to put it, I'm sinking slowly and feel like there is no lifeline to grab hold of.  What is it with my condition, its like a little ambush predator waiting for me to pick myself up and get set to live my life.  I'm hoping this is just a blip on the old radar and that somehow I pull myself out of it sooner rather than later.  Problem is last time I was this black I had to suffer the ordeal of my wife restraining me to prevent myself from doing something really stupid.  Now I say ordeal, not for me, for her in reality, I'm a big bloke for start but to put her through that hurt me more than anything else ever could.

Sorry if this is black, just needed to type I suppose, sometimes words make more sense to me.

Rich

[Paz]

I think that all of us feel like isolating ourselves from the world sometimes. It seems easier to do that because then you don't have to worry about what you might say or do to other people when you are mood swinging. Unfortunately we all still have to deal with people & society occasionally. We all do what we have to do to cope. I have been doing fairly well for awhile now, but I have still had a few "relapses" which suck, but I would be a fool if I tried to convince myself that the mood swings are going to just disappear...I guess we just have to accept that it's always going to happen to us from time to time and how we choose to react to our moods is what will determine how bad or bearable the feelings and things that accompany those feelings will be. Am I making sense?

[cadno]

I think I get you, what you are saying is that I'm going to have to deal with these things from time to time.  But my problem with that thinking is why on earth am I bothering with medication if it just means the same things will always happen?

As far as the docs are concerned my psychotic outbursts should be under control with my current medication and my mood swings should be less severe even if I do still have them.  I understand that things will happen and that I will end up having a bad time, but this is getting annoying as its always happening just as I get to the same point with my life.  Its almost as though my moods and psychosis are waiting for me to start making plans!!

Am I making sense at all here, I know right now I'm not entirely on the same wavelength

Rich

[cadno]

Yep, I'm rapid cycling again!!! YAY ME!!!!

I think I need an anchor here just to hold me down but knowing my luck it'll fall through the floor and I'll end up in an undignified possition lol

Rich

[Paz]

 About the medication question...
 I still have mood swings, but I still had them when I was doped up, so what is the difference? The swings were just as severe when I was doped up as they are now...and now I don't have any tremors or shaking or other physical distress. I am on minimal meds and some homeopathic rememdies to deal with the symptoms...but I feel that I must go deeper and try to determine what the root of my angst is...what things are happening right now that are maybe affecting me in a negative way which will start to send my mood swinging? I think that if alot of BP's would really try to answer these questions that it would help their overall sense of well being. Sorting out feelings is very important if you want to maintain a sense of sanity...just my opinion. For instance, have you asked yourself why it is that when you make plans, that you start to get moody? Is it because deep down you think that something mat go awry with your plans and that would be devastating to you? I'm just trying to give an example, I'm not saying that I am making any sense... I do know that fear can really fuck with your head when you have BP...fear can be a trigger.

[cadno]

You'd think I'd have that part figured out but after 2 years of mood diaries, general diary entries and a good grasp on how most things can effect me.  Saying everytime I make plans isn't entirely true (my apologies for that) as in the past I have made plans and they work out ok, just when my mood is in that black area I tend to see things in a very narrow way.  But I'm seriously stumped, aside from the things I know are certain to trigger episodes there is nothing to explain these lapses.  Better explain myself. one of the things my docs and therapists have all said is I have an amazing insight into my condition and how I operate around it.  This is something that literally meant my occupational therapist could go no further with me as everything she could suggest had either already been tried or adopted into my daily routines.

I'd love to say this is situation based, I'd love to say that its due to something altogether but I really can't see it right now.  Yes perhaps I could say I'm worried I'll mess things up, but I'm always like that and it doesn't always set off moods, I tend to just do the whole 'bite the bullet' thing and see what happens when I'm worried about something.  Whatever the case writing helps and I'll keep doing it until things make sense, thanks for trying to unravel it though, sometimes its nice to hear.  I guess its that age old thing that everyone is different and we cope in different way, if I dare to be optimistic right now I could say that in time I'll find what works best for me.  I do get the feeling though the meds aren't the answer, maybe I need different medication or maybe like yourself I need to look at alternatives.  Lucky for me I have an appointment with my doc monday, sad part is he's new and an idiot but hopefully that won't discourage me asking the right questions.

Rich

[Paz]

I'm finding that a mix of meds and homeopathic remedies, along with diet, exercise, and talk therapy works better for me than the straight up aggressive pharmaceutical approach...but everyone is different. you just need to find out what works for you. It will take time...it took me 4 years.

[cadno]

Yeah, I know what you mean, but its just on days its not so easy to see it, you know what I mean?

Rich

[Paz]

 Yes, I know....But, one day when you are feeling positive, the answer will come to you and it will be crystal clear and so fucking obvious that you won't believe that it's taken so long for you to see it....like an epiphany, if you will. 

[cadno]

Oh had one of those years ago, otherwise you'd be talking to a corpse, but its that age old thing isn't it, you get a little too comfortable, let things slip and suddenly you are holding onto the edge of a cliff staring into the abyss!!

I'll be ok though, got my appointment monday and I ain't letting this new doc off the hook as easily as I did last time.  I firmly believe I need to have a little CBT again, get myself into routines. 

Rich

[cadno]

AAAAAAAAAGH!!! I HATE MY TEMPER!!!!

Sorry had to get that out, for some reason I'm am constantly frustrated today, I've lashed out at my wife verbally (which I ain't proud of) and literally want to shut the door and get away from every little thing that seems to be annoying me!!!

The worst part is I know I'm not sleeping due to this, whenever I get like this I end up sitting up all night driving myself nuts and just ending up in a worse mood the following day.  Now I do have an appointment literally in about 12 hours so that might help, but sadly I'm still not overly impressed with my new doctor.  The thing I'm scared of at the moment is that this is mild right now, shouting a little, being cranky, but it can quickly go over the top to me being out of control in the biggest possible way.  If I do that tomorrow I'll be spending time on the ward and my well laid plans will go out the window.  Yes I'm aware that I'm being cynical and looking at the worst case scenario but right now that's just how I feel.  Hell who knows, I might actually need a stay on the ward to re-evaluate things a little. 

Hmmm, maybe its time to cut deals, I tell you what fate, luck and predestination, if you let me have a few weeks of sanity I'll book myself in asap!!!

Rich

[Phyllis]

I get like that too, Cadno. You are not alone there. It sucks, big time.

[cadno]

You know that means a lot right now, because the sad part of this is even with my wife around I still fee alone...........

Rich

[cadno]

Ok, I'll apologise before hand for both my use of language and hostility of this post.........

I am now VERY PISSED OFF!! to say the least, I had my appointment, explained to the doctor how my anger is bubbling up and I'm scared that its leading to a big time relapse and what did he do? 

Sweet FA that's what, he literally sat there and said 'oh you look stable' and then went on to say 'well if it gets worse phone crisis team'.  Yeah fantastic advice, thankyou very much with three bags full sir.  What the hell happened to preventative medicine?

Right now the only bright side is at least I have a reason for being angry thanks to him, but its no joking matter, last time I was like this I ended up sat in the corner of my kitchen with a knife, police knocking on the door and my wife screaming in hysterics for me to stop.  You know what's really funny about all that, they didn't do anything then either, the police actually just left me on my own and it was only through luck that my mother in law was there to make sure I couldn't do any more harm. 

Just to fill people in, my current pdoc is new and frankly I think he needs to go back to school because as it stands I'm now afraid of what I could do.  I'm literally typing on here to vent in whatever way I can.  I'm keeping up my coping skills and using them to full effect but if I'm honest with myself I know that I won't cope if my mood plumets any further.  I have my diazapam to take if things get really out of control but I've already taken one dose and I'm only allowed to take one more after a few hours.  If that fails I may well be missing for a while as I can see my wife having no other option but to get me into the hospital.  Sorry if this is all black and angry but right now I am just so annoyed and scared at the same time.

Rich

[Phyllis]

I'm sorry you are getting such horrible service. It really pisses me off when I hear stories about doctors being so insensitive. Of course, you have to do some serious damage for these people to hear and do something. Like you said, what happened to preventative medicine?!?!

Keep coming here when you need to vent. We will listen and give you the best support we are able to give.

Just let it out!!!