got a pdoc appmnt today

[Dreamline]

I can already feel it in my stomach this morning...stomach cramps.  So I guess this dose will pretty much put my level at the upper limit?  That's kind of scary in a way.  Just by cutting the tegretol down in half, I feel a little better...I was still super spaced at work last night but I guess it takes a while to get out of your system. I was really supposed to quit cold turkey but that was harsh feeling with the lamictal.

[Paz]

 Get some Santa Cruz Organic Ginger Ale....it will make your stomach better. Sip it.

[Dreamline]

That reminds me, I have fresh ginger root and dried ginger root...I can make some tea.  I've felt depressed/irritable for a while.  I think I'm getting more down...fuck I think I am switching over   Please, please save me magic salt.

[Dreamline]

When I'm at home I don't feel like doing anything, at work I act like I am ok but really I feel down and anxious about everything.

[Paz]

 Hey, you have to try to remember that what goes up must come down...you need to prepare yourself for the swinging everytime you start feeling off.
 Magic salt will help, but it won't totally save you...you have to go to therapy too. Don't you ever question why your hallucinations are always scary & creepy? You may have a deep fear of something that you aren't aware of, and that fear mechanisim in your head must trigger your Bipolar mechanisim...just a thought. All hallucinations are not unpleasant...have you ever talked to your Pdoc or therapists about them? They will tell you that some hallucinations can be quite pleasing, but from reading your past posts it would seem yours are not. Maybe try to find out if you do have any deep rooted fear or anxiety as triggers? Kind of sounds like it to me, but what the fuck do I know?

[Dreamline]

I really think I have something deep that causes my anxiety and trigger my mood swings.  I don't hallucinate as much creepy things when I am euphoric, but if its mixed they are all scary and depressing or just ugly and annoying.  When I'm euphoric they are usually profound but then sometimes I'll have an anxiety attack or the hallucinations will be grotesque and freaky.  Sometimes I have those but yet I like them and then another time it freaks me out. 

I might talk to her about them, that actually came up last time.  It was my first time talking w/ her though and we were just going over everything.  The only thing that bothered me about her was she thought I might have ADD but I know I was having a horrible time concentrating from the tegretol.  In my normal state of mind I don't have issues with attention span, no trouble reading anything, don't forget things (unless its from meds). 

On a good note, since quitting the tegretol I feel a lot better, during the middle of the day is the worst for me but I swear that shit was making me depressed!  I can tell a difference already, I don't get as down during that part of the day!  When it gets out of my system completely, I'll know for sure. 

[Paz]

 That's good news that you are feeling better w/o tegretol. Why don't you write down some of the hallucination stuff, or better yet, just print some stufff that you have written here on the site about it.
 I really think that there must be some deep rooted anxiety or fear that causes the hallucinations....I hear you when you say that some are ok...but have you read my descriptions of what I see when euphoric and manic? Everything is beautiful, it is like heavenly. And I don't know why things are like that.  Like I said before maybe you have issues, but what the fuck do I know? I'm not a shrink, but I've been in therapy long enough to peredict what they might say the cause of your problem is.
 You must talk about what you see, or that shit will never go away and just be one more reason for you to hate Manic Depression....it will never go away, but maybe we can live with it with out so much drama?

[Dreamline]

I had a really back anxiety attack today at Busch Gardens...I was standing in line for a ride and being in the middle of all those people was too much.  I toughed it out until not one more from riding front row I couldn't take it anymore...not scared of the ride, but of the people.  Some of the kids working the controls were goofing off loudly, on the PA system and I couldn't understated what they were saying so my mind fills in with horrible shit.  I though something bad was going to happen to us if we rode it, I felt all these horrible bad vibes.  The people all seemed obliviously part of something bad.  I got out of line.

Go figure this, later I rode another ride 3x, no anxiety at all, felt really calm and even during the 1st drop, it was like it wasn't even fun or scary.