I Hate Myself

[Paz]

I hate myself.....I FUCKING HATE MYSELF!!!! Manic, Depressed, it doesn't matter, it's one constant nagging feeling that I have had my whole life. I fucking hate the winter too.....this cooler weather & partly sunny with rain & fog just doesn't do it for me....I'm pissed off all the time, which I believe to be Depression manifesting itself a bit differently. I miss my old Doc, she was great, understood about my obsession with diet & exercise & mindfulness[meditating] Of course she wanted me to be on more meds, but you all know my feelings about that. My new Doc is an Asshole with a capital "A"....he doesn't seem to understand anything, and he's arrogant as well. So, now I need to find another Doc, and this is bullshit....ARGH!!!
 I wake up everyday & try to be in a good mood, but mostly I just want to pull the covers over my head, and if I am taking a shower, I just don't want to get out and face the day....DJ is busy and we have been having disagreements over stupid stuff....usually people say that BP's don't listen when we are mood swinging, but I DO listen, and it seems that he is the one who is not hearing what I am saying.....like I will say, "I understand that you are busy, I'll go do something else..." and he's like "Now you are mad, don't you understand that I am busy? I want you around, but sometimes I can't talk to you as I am busy concentrating. Now you are pissed off, and I can't make you understand...blah, blah, blah!" Excuse the fuck out of me, but didn't I say,"I understand you are busy, I"ll go do something else?" HELLO? I am reasonable, I DO understand, obviously one of us isn't paying attention!
 Then I start to do the slow burn...hey Man, I know you are busy, but don't you understand English? Just because I understand you are busy and I feel the need to do something else does NOT mean I am pissed off! I am just trying to be considerate! Fuck me, if I wasn't considerate I'd yell and freak and ruin everyone's day!!!
 I can't fucking win.

[chasemanzmum]

You shouldnt hate urself. The dr just don't understand ur need to blow off steam.

[Phyllis]

even though I agree with chasemanzmum in the remark that you should NOT hate yourself, I know you are still going to hate yourself. It is just how we are wired and it takes a lot of therapy to get over that. It took me years of therapy for me to even be able to look in a mirror 
I love you my friend, and I am sorry you are feeling this way.  Try and do the snoopy dance, if anything your feelings of self hate will turn into feelings of confusion (aka What the fuck am I doing this for?).

[cadno]

I can't even come close to understanding nor would I insult you by doing so, I suffer with a little self loathing but I know you don't use words like hate unless you really mean it.  Thing is I always get reminded of a lyric from a Bonjovi song (I know I just lost some musical credability there lol) that literally goes 'I wish that I could be in some other time and place, with someone elses soul, someone elses face'.

Important thing though that jumps to mind, this place for you by you, you attracted like minded people to hopefully help us all understand bipolar and how it affects us.  Well its a two way street, you give a lot of yourself in helping others, let us help you, vent, scream and most of all know we WILL support you no matter what.

Rich

[Paz]

Thank you.

[D13C]

I just hate everyone else (possible psychopath?) it's more healthy. It's not me it's them.  D13C.

[Dreamline]

That happens to me, people don't get that I am being considerate and they attack me for feeling in a way I can't help.  Then later even if we talk about it when I'm not manic they fucking want to hold it against me, "you yelled at me and punched my dash board and fucked it up, that was wrong".  I mean WTF I don't normally go psycho and yell horrible things at people, its a manic thing yet they continue to hold a grudge.  assholes.  I swear sometimes I think non bipolar people have no clue, they can be so insensitive and so illogical.     I had a run in recently about this and I'm still mad about it deep down.  Sorry for the rant.

I end up thinking I am a freak rather than hating myself...a freak for being intuitive, and a freak for not being able to explain what I know to the imbeciles around me.

[Paz]

 I hear ya, Dreamline. PEOPLE SUCK!!!
 
 [but some are cool, it's just hard to find them.]

[Dreamline]

yeah there's cool people....like my dog

[Dreamline]

yeah there's cool people....like my dog

EDIT:  cool people here but that goes without saying.