Trying to live with Bp in a old fashioned closed minded Vietnamese home.

[Jennie]

So I live with my in-laws. They're old fashioned Vietnamese who think everything has to be their way, or they'll die. Whether it' doing something in the house, or taking care of my own son. I"ve been in the depressive stage lately. Staying up late, because I'm awake crying myself to sleep. However, when I know I have something to do, no matter how much lack of sleep I've had. I get my ass up. Well they like to sleep with my son, as much as I insist on taking him, because he's like my little comfort object that helps me sleep, and when he's by my side, I wake up when he does in the morning. But they insist that he sleeps with them every night, because they don't want him to wake my husband at night. (He works 12 hour shifts and gets home in the AM) Well he's a quiet freaking sleeper, and if he does get up for feedings the max is one! So basically, if I'm not needed, I'm gonna stay in bed with my husband,because I didn't freaking sleep til atleast 5-7AM everyday. (Rushing thoughts/crying spells) and I get yelled at for that. Saying I need to get up and help his Mother cook food, clean the house, and watch my son. I'd be watching my son if you hadn't taken him from me every night. and fine, putting that aside, if he's going to sleep with you, and you have something to do, come let me know and I'll get my ass up and watch him. He is after all, my son!

So here it is..
Woke up this morning in a depressive state, but it doesn't stop me from my duties as a mother and wife. (As soon as they leave, I cook and clean. I don't do it when they're around, because I don't want to hear the criticism.)
Their usual bitching bothered me more than it usually does. So I sat on the couch and started texting out my feelings to myself. (write a harsh letter and throw it away)
My husband sees my butt face and just keeps taking it up the ass. A little bit after the letter, I started tearing up. So I went to the bedroom, so I could have my little moment to myself, aand try to take a deep breath afterwards and get on with my life. But my husband came in and took it all upon himself as always. Saying,"Whats wrong?!" over and over. when I'm in a depressive state, I zone everything out, and don't want to be bothered. You talk to me and ask me a question, I'll answer it out to you in my head. So he raised his voice and said, why do you have to take everything up the ass (referring about his parents) It got their attention and they come in making my episode even worse. Yelling at me, saying wtf is wrong with me. and by the time my husband realized that it wasn't about them at all, and it was my BP, he told them to back off. Keep in mind that they're Vietnamese. Close minded, and uneducated about present day. The only illnesses they know of, are something you catch, like a cold, flu, STD, or if you get Cancer. My father in-law says,"what does she have to be sad about? why is she sad? She's sad just randomly like that? that makes no sense at all. She doesn't cry at 4pm. that freaking set me off and I got hysterical and started balling my heart out, to the point that my body was shaking, veins popped out, and i looked crazy. My mother is the only person that almost fully understands my BP and at that point, of hysteria, and lack of thought, I wanted to bang my head on the brick wall and just die. I felt like I was being pushed into a corner and being attacked. So I called my Mom in the middle of everything, which might have been rude, but I needed it in that moment. She was the only person that could calm me down. I needed someone to calm me down before I did something I'd regret. My father in-law assumes I'm calling her to tell on them and make them look bad, so he comes in and says give me that and took the phone right out of my hand while I was talking to her. and when he was talking to her, he wouldn't even let her get a word in. He was telling his side of the story and wouldn't let her speak. That's the way he is, what he says is right, and no one else can say anything. My Mother in-law finally took the phone and apologized to my Mother for my Father in-laws behavior. and swore that she loves me like her own and not just a daughter in-law. (I have no problems with Mother in-law, Just father in-law) 

After being attacked, and feeling bitter, not wanting to trust anyone again. Feeling like I would have to try harder to hide my BP, because not like anyone will understand me, or wants to, fear of being attacked like that again. and as bitter as I was towards him, I was the one that ended up apologizing!!!!
Why do I do that?!?! I even tried to explain BP to them, but it looked as though they were 100% clueless, and didn't care. My Father in-law says, "Well I just want a happy family. It's all over and done with, Don't hold it in your belly." and my Mother in-law says,"I don't really understand your illness, but I just feel bad for my son, that he has to deal with it. He loves you so he sets that flaw aside." Can you imagine how much worse that made me feel?! My mother in-law is an adorable sweet lady, but I wonder if she knows things she says are hurtful. Or is it me...Do I over analyze too much and take things out of context? Or was that really as bad as it sounded? Today's my Husband and my 5 year anniversary. Where you're supposed to be in a good mood, but I lay here and think to myself, "Am I good enough for him? Am I a burden? Pathetic? Useless? Stupid?" (They call me slow and make me feel really stupid.)

Everything in the house is back to normal after my apology, but it doesn't change the fact that I'm still hurting right now. I can hide it better than earlier, but I"m still hurting. I wish my husband and I could just go have a night out to ourselves and rekindle our love, and forget about them. Just for a day..........Life of a Vietnamese American BP

[Jennie]

Been trying to hard to find text translating info on BP into Vietnamese, but no feaking luck at all! and google translator translates so badly out of text.

[Phyllis]

Oy! I feel really bad for you. I have a feel of the Vietnamese, I went to school with hundreds of them (literally!, you should see my year book from my senior year!) I was even attacked by a Vietnamese guy my sophmore year in high school because I didn't like him like he liked me. :/

They are very traditional and closed minded in a way that they don't want to accept "new" ideas and concepts and run neck and neck with Jewish and Catholic people when it comes to laying on guilt. (Please note: I am only speaking from MY experience. I am in no way trying to be racist or bashing anyone so please don't take my remarks that way.)

How long have you lived with your in-laws? I can only guess that you are living with them in part, due to tradition? If that is not the case, perhaps you and your husband and son need to find your own place. Otherwise, you are going to get torn apart. First off, it is difficult to maintain a relationship with someone even if BP is NOT in the picture, and a thousand times more stressors of BP and it is a fight.  It is difficult enough to get one person to understand even 1/100 of what we feel and how they can help. Add on the fact that they are from the "old world" and it is just a disaster waiting to happen.

You know the saying, "you can't teach an old dog new tricks." I think this old adage applies to your case. It is going to take A LOT of work not only on your part, but on their part to to understand BP. A lot of people in Asia feel embarrassed to get help for mental illness because it is like claiming defeat and a sign of weakness in their cultures. (I watch entirely too much Discovery and History channel!)

Back to my point; you need to get out and you need to stop apologizing for things that are not your fault. Doing so only lets people feel inferior and in turn makes you feel like you are worthless, un - loveable, and really takes a toll on your self-esteem.

The way you are feeling and the questions you have been asking yourself is completely normal.

Try not to let them drag you down because of their ignorance. There is NOTHING wrong with you. You have a beautiful and wonderful little boy that needs you. If you can't stand up and take charge of your life for you, then do it for him. I know it is going to be difficult. But the only one that can change the way that things are is you.

We are here for you. Take things one step at a time. Do what you feel is the right thing in your heart of hearts.

[Jennie]

It's tradition. We can't leave for another 2-3 years. Thanks for listening. I know it was alot to read. and I don't think you were being racist at all. Fact is, unless they've become Americanized, that's really the way they are...-sigh-

[Phyllis]

aw, man! that sucks. :/ Well, like I said, we are here, so just keep venting.

[dm52]

Sorry to hear about your situation Jennie.

Just did a quick search for Vietnamese language bipolar information. There is an Australian website that has a lot of good information on mental health issues, mostly depression though. There is a part of the site that has information in the Vietnamese language (check the page below).

http://www.beyondblue.org.au/index.aspx?link_id=102.936

They have information on the site on bipolar disorder in English, but from the small bits of information in English on this page (I can't read Vietnamese) it seems that most of it relates to depression. There is also some information on anxiety disorders. I guess both depression and anxiety are part of what we go through with BP, so there might be something helpful there.

This website might have a couple of useful links for you too.

http://spiral.tufts.edu/vietnamese.shtml

Use find or scroll down to What is a Bipolar Mood Disorder? This seems to be a fairly informative article/fact sheet.

There is another article on the same page called Living with Dramatic Mood Swings:Bipolar Disorder but I don't think it was as informative. All this stuff I have given is Australian origin, so just thought that in your internet searches may not have come up as easily searching for it in America. Sorry if it is all stuff you have seen before.

You mentioned that you are having feelings of not being good enough, a burden and useless. These are things that I think most of us will feel sometimes. I have often felt like a burden to my wife. You also said that you are going through a depressed period at the moment. I know that in this state it may not matter what people around you say, you still feel like rubbish (well that's how it has been for me). There will be good times again, and I am sure your husband does not think of you of a burden or useless!

A lot of people with BP seem to want to reduce or eliminate medication from their lives. I do not want to say that medication is the only answer, but it has really helped for me. Since my diagnosis and start of treatment about 15 months ago, I have had not had any ups or downs that would be outside the “normal” gamut of emotions. I can understand trying to limit the dosages to the lowest level that will work, as many of these medications have harmful or unknown long-term effects. The other thing is that I guess I have been fortunate in that the medications seem to work quite well for me, in terms of controlling symptoms, you and others here may not have had the same experience. Anyway, sorry for rambling on so long. All the best, I hope the situation in your home gets better.

[Kensho]

my mother is japanese... over her lifetime here in the usa she has become somewhat westernized... with all that said she still had a hard time wrapping her head around the nature of my illness... one time she made a comment "i think it is all in your head"... i answered, "no shit!!!"... she then said felt better that i said she was right!!! we all have feelings of inadequacy from time to time, EVERYONE experiences it and it's the nature of this illness... try picking up a copy of The Zen Path Through Depression by Philip Martin... you can find a copy on eBay for as low as a dollar... it helped me tremendously and caused me to re-explore zen buddhism as a life path... i wish you the best my friend...

Kensho 

[Jennie]

Thanks DM52 and Kensho for taking the time out, and trying to help me. I really appreciate it, and will look into everything you've said. =)
DM52 Meds were never good to me, but I'm running out of ways to cope, so I guess I just have to have patience and find the right meds.
Kensho, I know what you mean, about the,"It's all in your head." Comment. I've been told that numerous times by family members, and it just down right pisses me off. I think with Asian parents, they have higher egos than most, stubborn to new ideas, always trying to impress people, friend or foe, always worrying about what others think, And I guess in my case, they've always been in denial, because they think that if something is "wrong" with me, then it's their fault. If that makes any sense.