decisions...

[spongebobfan]

M still incredibly frustrated by my job. I can't seem to think of a way to quit and still get paid. So now I am trying to decide if I should melt down completely or keep going on the more difficult road of trying to make policy changes at work. I don't know how its possible to be in those two places at the same time. At work today I actually broke down in tears. I moved my trash can closer in case I actually did vomit and was just generally miserable with stress and anxiety. So now that I'm home I keep bouncing back and forth between two scenarios in my imagination. The first is to hurt myself. Not a minor cut. I want to stab a knife into my upper forearm. I figure that way even if I pull up my sleeves it would still be hidden. The second scenario in my head is one where I power through and one day changes for the better are made and people recognize that I'm worth something. How can I feel both ways!? We are talking literally minutes between these feelings. Very confusing....

[Kensho]

i'm sorry to hear you had a breakdown while at work, that must have been terrible... you have mixed feelings/ideas because you're bipolar... our minds work that way... i hope you don't decide to hurt yourself like that... plunging a knife into your arm can be very dangerous, you could hit a vein/artery or sever a nerve... have you ever thought to try and reprogram your subconscious mind? although it may take a little time, it works! google "how to reprogram the subconscious mind"... it can help alter the internal chatter of your mind that you remain unaware of... take good care my friend...

Kensho