just when I thought I'd got it under control

[cadno]

Well how do I start, my voices are back!

For a few months now I've enjoyed the bliss of just a dull whispering, ok once in a while that went further including my ill advised moment of controlling my medication.  But I've had a handle on them, they've not been too bad, the other aspects such as tacile etc have been a little off the chart but again I've been coping.  But now my voices are starting to get loud again, in particular they seem to be taking advantage of the fact I can't hear all that well right now (and yes I'm still waiting for my appointment on that front).  But what they are doing now is slightly different to the usual, to me its like they are accessing the files in my brain and using them against me.  Literally they'll mention something, I'll remember and then that thought gets stuck on some loop while I get a directors commentry over the top via my voices.

How mad is this driving me?

Frankly its not out of control yet, but it is affecting my relationships with both my wife and friends.  I can't hear them clearly and I'm babbling about things in the middle of a conversation that to them makes no sense but to me seemed to be what were talking about.  That's the annoying part, its like my brain is being hijacked and I'm living in a different reality to everyone else right now.

Typing here is easy, I can lay my thoughts down without interference for some weird reason so i'm using that as a tool right now.  But frankly I'm a little nervous that this may well be the start of something I've had before.  I once lost complete sense of reality for a few months, how I wasn't arrested or even detained by various people I'll never know but then again if you passed me on the street you'd just think I was some mad homeless guy spouting religious or paranoid propaganda.  Now I'm aware of who I am, I have to hold on to that right now, but I wanted to ask a favour of people here.  If you notice any change in my posting, for example a preoccupation with things like UFO's, government conspiracies and even the concept of controlling the world with my mind please pull me up on it.  It could be normal curiousity or it could be something else, the something else would mean you'd get a reply that would more than likely make no sense or the sort of sense that means I'm gone.  Not sure if I'm making sense now but I'm just trying to use bpbabble as an early warning system as when I type its clear, when I'm interacting with people in reality I'm all too good at hiding it because I'll believe I shouldn't reveal it.

Now I'm praying that makes sense

Rich

[Phyllis]

makes perfect sense.

we've got your back. 

[cadno]

Thanks Phyllis, I'm hoping its nothing and frankly it may well be nothing but even my wife said I'm acting differently, closed off and very secretive, which are normal warning signs.

Rich

[Kensho]

hearing voices can be overwhelming at times... i struggle with them all the time... most times they just make comments on whatever it is i'm doing at the moment... other times their comments have spiritual undertones... the ones that bother me the most though are the ones that tell me to harm my daughter... they merely say "Kill Nicole" over and over... i'm grateful i have insight into them, i'm able to quickly rationalize with myself on autopilot... that they are a byproduct of my subconscious spilling over into my conscious experience... as you put it "accessing the files in my brain"... i hope that things don't begin to peak on you... take good care...

Kensho 

[Dreamline]

Hey Cadno, I do that too, try to act like everything is ok when its not.  I used to never mention my hallucinations to anyone.  I also knew that I was having delusions but never mentioned them.  Its kind of a paradox...knowing you are delusional...hallucinations are easier to recognize, they rarely bother me.  But when I start thinking crazy shit its harder...sometimes I realize oh wait that thought seems very odd and out of place.  One time I was really manic and got very paranoid about something and then realized that it made no sense.  I was sitting there paralyzed, literally paralyzed in fear of something abstractly weird.  It was something like the reason a person said something meant that a profoundly horrible situation existed, my mind had suddenly revealed this to me.  That's just one example, I wish I could remember the details but I was so fucking manic my mind was a pinball machine.

[cadno]

Well I spoke with the psych and with the help of my wife I told him literally everything that is going through my head over the past few months.  The result, he believes that my psychosis is getting worse and that I need to increase my medication and see him a little more often.  I have to say I'm annoyed at the increase in meds to the point that I argued with him.  He wanted to up my olanzipine to 10mg but I managed to talk my way into 7.5mg every other day while taking the normal 5mg daily.  Sadly the level of my delusions is rather high and my behaviour was becoming more and more shall we say self absorbed and sinister.  I'm glad to be seeing him more often as three months between visits is far too long, but sadly welcome to the NHS. 

I've started my higher dose tonight and already my brain feels foggy, I'll keep you all updated on this but frankly I'd rather live in an alternative reality than be the walking dead.

Rich