emotional tug of war

[spongebobfan]

I've finally settled into a bit of a routine. This weekend is the first full weekend I'm spending t the house I'm renting. I love this place. The town its in is so rural that there is nothing to do which means I'm almost forced to just stay home and relax. There are the basics here but no big chain stores and no real place to shop. There is one movie theater but it isn't playing anything good. There are lots of locally owned restaurants and some artsy shops but that's it. I've had time to read and play with the dog. I've cooked and cleaned all at a leisurely pace because I have nowhere to be. It's been great. I think I'm happy even. But why then has the desire to cut grown? It seems to come and go but it usually comes when I'm stressed not happy. I was doing the dishes and my stomach turned with excitement when I washed the knives. I'm ashamed to admit that I think if I were to cut it would be more as a test to see if others care about me than an emotional release. It hasn't been about attention in the past. Now when I think about it though I wonder if I could do it, go to the ER for stitches and make it home again without my friend (who works at the hospital) finding out. So there is the draw of adventure maybe? Then I think if she did find out would she be concerned or think I'm ridiculous? So many things about these thoughts are different from the usual pattern that I don't know what to think.

[spongebobfan]

Sorry to be repetitive. I know my posts are always the same. It's just a way for me to feel like I've gotten it out so I won't actually cut myself. I don't know what the big deal is anyway. Who cares if I cope by cutting. It's not hurting anyone else! I apologize for wasting your time. Peace.

[LadyAshley]

Is it possibly a self-punishment thing? Like feeling guilty because you ARE feeling good? I know for me, I have times when I start to feel okay and then feel like I need to punish myself because I don't deserve it. I have no idea if it could be that in your case but thought I'd ask anyhow. Our minds really like to screw with us, eh?

[Paz]

 The only reason I don't reply to posts about cutting is because I have never done it. I did look up so info about self-harming and it said that many people who do tend to have Borderline tendencies.....what does your Doc say about your cutting? Have you ever done any tests at the shrinks office for ADD,OCD Personality Traits/Types, a Millon test, A Briggs-Myers Indicator test or an Intelligence Quotient test? I have taken all of these tests at the Shrinks office, and they can help the Shrink and You to discover things about you and to help with your treatment. Some people have Borderline tendencies, some have Narcissistic traits, etc. I would try and find out if you may have those tendencies, they can help to treat you for those and help you to have a better quality of life. Hang in there and try not to do anything to yourself, ok?

[Phyllis]

Who cares if you cope by cutting?? I do!
It's like a drug, man! The more you do it, the more and more you have to do it to get the same satisfaction out of a small cut, or not so deep cut. This is a serious matter! I was once a cutter. It's a horrible thing to be!  Sometimes when I don't answer a post it is because I have no words. The cat has my tongue and I dunno what to say.