Relationship Help?

[Geister]

Hey I'm kinda going through something and I was wondering if anyone could give me some suggestions about what to do because I am kind of lost. ..  How many of you have long lasting relationships? I'm just asking because there have been some emotional problems I guess in mine. I know I get angry for no reason, I let my boyfriend know I get angry for no reason. I understand that it's very hard not to get emotional if someone is pissed at you for no reason, I really do, or to not take it personally. I've had this talk with my boyfriend numerous times, and he always seems to understand it, that I'm not mad at him, etc. Or even if I do get a little irritated at him, it's really not his fault. But then when it actually happens, it's like the end of the world, and I can't fix it. If I say anything about it, he just tells me I'm not feeling sorry/don't love him, etc. And if I don't say anything, he just sits there looking sad until I do, in which case again, nothing I say matters. Especially if it happens around my mother or brother, because I don't want to try and keep protesting that I do love him, etc, in front of them, it's awkward for me, and them, and I don't want to put them in a situation like that.

Sooo.. I feel like nothing I say in that situation matters, he'll always take it personally, and I'm just going to have to hide my emotions around him for the rest of my life because even the slightest twinge of depression/irritation sends him into a guilt ridden depression fit of which I cannot bring him back from most of the time. I don't blame him, but I just wish that he didn't take things so personally. I'm scared to show how I feel at all because I don't want to fuck with his emotions any more than I already do. Mental illness sucks. 

Anyone been through anything like this? I could really use some help. Sorry for the long post, just pissed off/confused and needed to get it off my chest. 

[Paz]

 I have been with my Husband DJ for 12 years.....next year is will be our 10th wedding anniversary. 
 
 When we met, I was still fairly normal, a little crazy and impulsive, but nothing too hard to deal with. We have been through a lot together, ups & downs, my 2 brothers' suicides, losing our older beloved dogs, a miscarriage, the birth of our son, my nervous breakdown & Dx of Bipolar 1. 

 It is never easy to have a relationship, crazy or not. There are disagreements & compromises, and when you are crazy there is the potential for a lot of emotional flare-ups and drama. What is important to remember with this illness is that our mood swings are not our fault, but we eventually [and I mean that when we calm down enough to think rationally, this sometimes takes awhile, depending on how badly our mood has swung] We have to take responsibility for our actions. Sometimes we say horrible things, we do horrible things to push people away when all they are trying to do is help and understand us. It is important for the people who love us to have a bit of knowledge about what Bipolar is, and how it affects us. They put up with a lot of shit from us, and the worst thing is that we really don't mean to be so difficult......I have made videos about this, about how being Bipolar means that you always have to say you are sorry.......and we are sorry, we are so sorry that it can make us feel like we are just the most horrible people on the face of the earth and how can anyone want to put up with our bullshit...I feel very unworthy of the love that I receive from my husband, I honestly don't know how he can stand me. I am lucky that he understands quite a bit about my illness, but there have been times when he just looks at me with great sadness and sometimes anger......he has let me know over the years when I have just gone too far and I need to just go sit and calm down or go take a walk because he is tired of having to put up with me. He is usually very soft-spoken and when he does lose his temper one of 2 things will happen...either I get enraged and just say something awful and storm out....I walk & talk to myself and then I slowly try to calm down......I usually wind up feeling a bit lost & sometimes it takes awhile before I simmer down, but I always come back, or #2 which is me being so shocked that he would speak to me that way, it hits me like a huge crashing wave that I have driven a good & kind man to that sort of anger & frustration and I just sort of fall into a puddle of tears, sobbing like a child and wanting the world to just open up and swallow me......I feel unmeasurable sorrow. I really don't understand why he puts up with me, but he tells me he loves me and that my illness is just a part of me, not all of me. I truly do not deserve him, and I know how lucky I am to have someone like him. I do apologize every time, I have to, and no words can adequately express how sorry I am, but he always forgives me. He knows that I am intense and complex, he is as well, but in a different way, thank Heavens.

 You are a young girl, there is a lot that you are still going to have to go through, stuff for you to learn about yourself and your illness. I can honestly say that Therapy is a lifesaver, it can help you to understand yourself, and how you react to others. DJ has come to Therapy with me a few times, and we have learned things about ourselves and each other. It is a very important part of your treatment & recovery [and yes, we do recover, it's called being stable for an extended period, and it is possible]  You need to learn how to cope with yourself and with others, you need to learn how to apologize in a way that is sincere, and you need to be able to forgive yourself when you fuck up, because believe me, you will fuck up again & again. I do [a LOT] and I hate that I do, but I have to live with myself & with him & our son and I try and forgive myself when I fuck up. It's not easy, but Life isn't easy, especially when you hate yourself all the fucking time like I do. [that is also something I have made videos about]   
 
 I don't know if that bit of babbling gives you an answer or if it helps, but it's all that I have to offer you. Sorry.

[Phyllis]

well said, Paz. 

[Kensho]

i'm not really in the mood to type anything significant right now, i'll just say my wife is a saint for hanging in there like she did because at the point i was causing her so much grief we didn't have children yet and it could have have been very easy for her to leave me and find someone else...

Kensho 

[LadyAshley]

I think all I really need to say is ditto to Paz's post because it sounds pretty much exactly what I deal with in my relationship. My husband and I have been together for 6 years (married for 2). When we first met, I was a little unstable but he has been with me through my breakdown. He puts up with so much. I scream at him, call him names, emotionally and mentally abuse him basically but he still somehow loves me. It almost frustrates me that he is so good to me because I just feel like I don't deserve him. I know I hurt him a lot and that makes me hate myself even more. But as Paz said, we do have to remember that we have an illness and it really isn't our fault.

I also agree with Paz on possibly trying to educate on the disorder. If he loves you, he will see beyond the disorder. If need be, maybe getting some therapy for himself would be helpful as well. Unfortunately, this illness affects everyone in our path. Relationships are always hard, even without the added mental illness.

[Geister]

That's great Paz~ I'm glad you've found someone who can help you through tough times, etc.

Yeah the same thing happened to me too when I met my boyfriend, I was a little crazy but I wasn't anywhere near as bad as I am now, and I feel sort of guilty for it. I always think he deserves better. And like LadyAshley said it frustrates me that he's so good to me because I feel like I don't deserve to be with him and that he should find someone better and less messed up than me. He's such a sweet, caring, easy going guy and I don't like upsetting him. I have a hard time accepting that the mood swings aren't my fault even though I know it's the truth. I just feel like some bitchy monster and it's my fault I'm that way and no matter how many times I apologize I still have an intense feeling of guilt all the time.

My boyfriend is really interested in coming to therapy, doctors appointments, etc with me, and he's gone with me a few times now. He does his best to learn about my condition, and I do my best to learn about his. (he has developemental coordination disorder aka: he can't get his body to do what he wants it to do, he's kinda clumsy. But its cute. lol  I'll definitely try going to therapy more, etc.

Thanks a lot for the support guys and Paz for your wonderful answer, it really helped me feel better.  Sorry if thgere's spelling mistakes or things that don't make sense. Meds are making me sleepy.