This is no way to live

[Geister]

Sorry about the rant thing I guess I just need to vent..

Haven't been on much lately been hiding in my room trying to distract myself with video games. The news is horrible everything on there is about murders and just general how the world is going to hell and people are too stupid to open their damn eyes and fix it (not meaning you guys, just in general). I just heard about a woman with schizophrenia being shot by cops because she had an episode. Just because people with mental illness have problems doesn't mean society should treat us like crap. We don't shoot someone in a wheelchair just because they're different. :/  Also, everything seems to be getting worse. My anxiety is through the roof and the thoughts won't go away, just with all the random stuff my mind comes up with. Such as the ozone layer depleting and everyone suffocating to death, meteor hitting the earth, earthing spinning out of its axis, nuclear or biological warfare.. they just keep coming and I can't not think about it. It isn't even something I read about really, I make sure to limit the amount of media I expose myself to and the content because I know how it effects me. Im going from sad to angry to anxious to kinda happy all in one day and pulling all nighters because I can't sleep. This is no way to live, I'm sick of living being fucking scared of everything, hearing things lately too, and it sucks waking up wondering if something catastrophically bad is going to happen that day. Also slightly worried the government is tracking me over the internet right now.. don't know why. Been having really weird dreams too. I sort of feel like im supposed to do something to fight all the bad things going on in the world.. I dont know.. just something important.. ugh... and i want a big group/family.. not sure my boyfriend understands.. sorry for the rant.. babble thing...

[Kensho]

i avoid watching TV in general because of the same issues you have... it's crazy the way the world is shaping up all of a sudden... i mean it was bad in the past but things seem to be accelerating at a much faster pace... i think some people with mental illness are more sensitive to these things... after following all of your posts i believe your one of them... that's a good thing, i think emotionally you are advanced from most from an evolutionary standpoint... you are what we are meant to become...

Kensho 

[Geister]

It just get tired of hearing about all the problems in the world and everyone ignoring it or doing wrong things to 'fix' it when I just want to slap them upside the head and say are you fucking stupid? If you helped other countries instead of blowing them up we'd be a lot farther ahead. Ugh. lol  So.. we're really emotional because we are in tune with everything that's going on better than most people? I know even from a young age around 3 or 4 when princess dianna (sp?) died I cried anytime the news came on tv, my mom had to keep me away from it. I just want to feel... I dont even need to feel happy, just being content would be fine.

[Kensho]

So.. we're really emotional because we are in tune with everything that's going on better than most people? I know even from a young age around 3 or 4 when princess dianna (sp?) died I cried anytime the news came on tv, my mom had to keep me away from it. I just want to feel... I dont even need to feel happy, just being content would be fine.

yes, i believe this Geister... our mental illness can set us up for all kinds of crazy shit if we don't keep on our toes... as i was typing this a quote came to mind, i didn't remember it exactly so i got the book out and and searched for it, here it is...

"it is possible to undergo a profound crisis involving non-ordinary experiences and to perceive it as pathological or psychiatric when in fact it may be more accurately and beneficially defined as a spiritual emergency..." ~~~ Stanislav Grof MD, PhD a passage from the book "Spiritual Emergency"

Grof was way ahead of the curve... he's still alive and doing very well for himself, he's teaching right now... he's the pioneer for holotropic breathing and he was also a pioneer at using lsd therapy to treat all forms of mental illness and he achieved great success, so much so there are progressive psychiatrists today who want to begin using lsd and the active ingredient in magic mushrooms called psilocybin to treat depression, bipolar, ocd and schizophrenia to name a few... i would gladly volunteer for that study any day!    hopefully i wouldn't get the placebo...   

take good care of yourself Geister... i hope to hear from you soon...

Kensho 

[Geister]

I have a somewhat eclectic view on spirituality lol I've just pretty much made up my own beliefs out of what I've read, things like paganism, occultism, wicca, etc. I don't really like most main stream religions, they just aren't for me. But I do find that when I'm feeling well spiritually, my life and condition tends to be a whole lot easier. I'm obsessed with life after death and just death in general right now. I guess I just hate the thought of living if there's really no reason for it besides to exist for a short time and then disappear forever, you know?  I really like the quote too   I hope everything is going well for you, and thanks.

[LadyAshley]

Like Kensho, I basically avoid television now. Even the shows I like and watch I do so via dvd's or downloads. I can't handle the news at all. It makes me even more depressed and angry to see the state of the world we live. I have even decided to stop going on Facebook because people generally just piss me the fuck off. It just makes me way too stressed and angry.

[Kensho]

i guess you can say i have a somewhat eclectic spiritual view myself also... mine is a blend of buddhism, pantheism, panentheism(i know... i know, how can i be pantheistic and panentheistic at the same time... hey it's my religion!!!  ) and string theory as it relates to consciousness... it's alot more interesting then christianity that for sure... see in my religion when you die, your life force or what christians call a soul escapes from the body and pools itself with the energy that exists throughout the universe and that pooled energy is used to form new stars or remains the eternal consciousness of the heavens... thanks for your best wishes Geister, i really do appreciate U! 

Kensho 

[Dreamline]

I don't watch TV either...its nothing but hyped, over stimulating, sensationalist, shallow, sheep herding, flashy jump from clip to clip, head spinning bullshit. 

[Geister]

Yeah I used to sort of keep up with politics, etc a little, but not any more. Way too many things make me angry or anxious and paranoid.

Oh I've read a little bit of string theory and some stuff on quantum consciousness, I like a little science in with religion (even if the two seem to hate each other a lot) because I don't like just blind faith. Really interesting beliefs Kensho. I can't imagine not being a single entity though..just feels weird, I like being individual. lol No problem, I appreciate you too. You seem to be really happy today too btw.

Yep, if Im going to watch anything it's online so I don't have to deal with it.

[Kensho]

Oh I've read a little bit of string theory and some stuff on quantum consciousness, I like a little science in with religion (even if the two seem to hate each other a lot) because I don't like just blind faith. Really interesting beliefs Kensho. I can't imagine not being a single entity though..just feels weird, I like being individual. lol No problem, I appreciate you too. You seem to be really happy today too btw.

Yep, if Im going to watch anything it's online so I don't have to deal with it.

yeah, i first learned about quantum consciousness years ago when i first discovered a guy named john hagelin who's a particle physicist who was running for president at the time under the natural law party... i got involved with his headquarters in new jersey and met him personally in one on one conversations many times... he would have made an awesome president... some of his many platforms were to minimize the military by abandoning all military bases throughout the world except for some located in south east asia and all of the bases located in the US... he wanted to totally revamp science and math programs in grade and high school in order to make it interesting for kids to learn... he intended to provide resources to poor people living on welfare so that they could all  attend trade schools and become independent and able to provide for themselves... that made alot of sense because at that time it cost the government approximately 30,000 dollars a year to support a family in the system... his logic was you could invest 8-10 thousand dollars in a competitive trade school and have them completely off the welfare rolls in a year or so... the government would save hundreds of billions of dollars and have new tax payers paying into the tax system... that was too simple of an idea not to understand but his critics always slammed him claiming it was a form of socialism that they despised, ironically they would ignore johns counterpoint that the current welfare system was a form of socialism... fucking republicans are morons most times... there were many other cool positions he had but his primary his position was to begin teaching transcendental meditation to kids in school and begin implementing TM programs too all federal employees... his opponents constantly slammed him for this, some of them openly calling him a flake... they same people that condemned him were the very same people who needed it the most ironically... he ran a total of three times and every time i was involved with his campaign in one way or another...

i have the utmost respect for your beliefs and i really do hope that your afterlife is exactly the way you envisioned it will be!

here's an important experience in my life... the summer going into my third year of advanced school i asked my adoptive parents if it would be OK for me to bring a friend from school home for a few weeks before he headed home himself and they said no problem... thomas was a lakota black foot and would always tell me about his heritage... he was very proud to be a native american... my friend who i lived with and i turned him onto all kinds of crazy shit and he was loving it all... a few days before he was about to leave for home he said that he wanted me to join him for a couple of weeks to meet his family and friends, there was no hesitation on my part whatsoever... he lived on what is known as cheyenne river indian reservation in a town called north eagle butte in south dakota... a small town compared to where i was living at the time and quite poor by modern standards but the people there were not only very friendly to me, they were very proud... when i first arrived i was already telling myself that i'm going to have to try and make the best of this at least for my friends sake but was stunned by how much tom had planned... i was never bored, as a matter of fact there were days when i was flat out worn out! i went fishing for the first time in my life at lake oahe and spent many days asking if we could go again which he would always gladly obliged... i went hunting for the first time ever and on two occasions afterwords(no, i didn't shoot anything) tom was always able to get a crowd together because everyone seemed to really want to go out of their way for me for some reason... we played alot of basketball, dozens of people would show up... my friend said rarely are the basketball courts ever used... there were so many things to do during the day but evenings were a little slower but were still very cool... i was introduced to the town elders early on, they all seemed deeply interested in meeting tom's city friend, even though i really wasn't from a city... the main thing that stood out in this relatively poor community was everyone cared for one another, if someone was in need and someone had it to spare they shared everything without hesitation... i've never witnessed something like that before and probably never will... where everyone wanted to do things for others... i was kind of bumming out a little bit about the thought of going home towards the end and told my friend so and of course he told me i'm welcome back anytime... the night before i was to leave tom brought me to an older building telling me he had to check on some things for an elder.... when i walked into the building with him there were between one to two hundred people there at least waiting for us... they held a going party for me... i was absolutely floored and kind of emotional... there didn't seem to be nearly enough to eat and drink but everyone made sure i was taken care of... i spent the rest of that evening saying good bye to everyone as they took turns approaching me... one of the elders grabbed hold of both of my hands and began saying a lakota prayer for me, he was looking at me directly in the eyes the whole time and when he was done he said mitakuye oyasin and told me it that it meant "we are all related" or "we are all one" and he hugged me... i've never forgotten that saying to this day... i promised myself i would make it back there one day and never did...

tom is doing well for himself, he has a family and never really returned to the reservation... he's an aerospace engineer working for a small firm and living in washington state... we've never seen each other since graduating from advanced school but have kept in touch by phone and email... it broke his heart to learn that i eventually became ill and had my first break... when he called i was completely out of it on meds and cheryl told him what happened.. he kept close contact with her and eventually i was able to take his calls and respond to emails... it was really good to hear from him, to hear his voice when i was so low at that point in my life and enjoyed his calls and emails afterwords... it's funny he was telling me to try supplements and diet years ago but i was just too fucking unmotivated at the time and didn't think supplements, diet and exercise could ever make a difference... needless to say he was very pleased to hear i made important changes and he's not surprised that i'm recovering from this completely... our game plan is to hook up next spring or summer...

Kensho 

[LadyAshley]

I don't watch TV either...its nothing but hyped, over stimulating, sensationalist, shallow, sheep herding, flashy jump from clip to clip, head spinning bullshit. 

God YES!!!!!!!

[Dreamline]