Secretive?

[Thoctar]

I just wanted to talk about bipolar people being secretive. When I first met my girlfriend, she was a very open person, but that took a turn in two opposite directions. She sometimes can be open and emotionless to the point where it is painful and it doesn´t feel like I matter at all. Sometimes, she gets secretive to the point where I feel like she doesn´t trust me, like she doesn´t feel like I can help her, and then I worry that she isn´t going to need me anymore or that I´ve just become a useless burden...Where I don´t feel like she will come to me for things anymore...

[Jennie]

I know it's hard, and I feeling useless is very common for spouses dealing with Bipolar spouses. But Stop what you're doing! I"m speaking from personal experience so feel free to interject, but this is based on my experience, and other women I know who are bipolar and feel the same.
1) It's not that we're being secretive, alot of the time, when you men speak to us, we're answering in our heads, but the words are literally stuck in our throats, not wanting to come out, and making it hard to breath.
2) Bipolars are usually open in the beginning of a relationship, because it's new, an adrenaline rush that takes away the pain for a while..Then you get in that comfortable phase, and the adrenaline is gone. She becomes depressed, overwhelmed with her own thoughts, and emotions she having for no known reason.
3)If she's having an episode like that, or any for that matter, usually she doesn't want to talk. She'll probably talk to you about it, after it has passed, but don't expect her to talk about it while she's in her episode, or keep pushing her to tell you what's going on, because it only makes things worse. Instead, tell her, you're there for her, you're there to listen when she's ready, and just patiently and quietly hold her, or tell her positive things from time to time, but not too much it can annoy her more.
Again feel free to interject, but this is first hand experience with many of my exes, and once I finally got him to understand this, our relationship got much better, and we've been married for 5 years.

[Thoctar]

Thank you, I understand, that is what I usually tell her, just sometimes I make a mistake and feel horrible afterwards and I have a.....apologizing problem  I will often apologize over and over if I feel I have done something wrong, even if its just a little thing.

[dm52]

Coming from the other side of things (I am the one with bipolar not my wife) I find some similarities in my relationship to what Jennie is talking about. I will talk about a few things that I have noticed in my relationship that are probably not really that gender specific, but more just things you may encounter being with someone with bipolar.

I think it depends on the cycle. When I am depressed I really have nothing to say, and I feel whatever I do say will not be worth anyone's time listening anyway, so I really probably don't tell my wife much at this point. I guess it could be seen as secretive, but I don't think that is the intent. I have a lot of trouble expressing my opinion when I am depressed and will go along with anything rather than object to something I don't agree with (often with a lot of sighing, but well I do that I lot in that mood anyway).

It is exactly the opposite when mood is towards the manic side, I have no problems telling people what I think and am probably downright arrogant and rude about it. It is funny though at the time I can not see that I am being like that, I just feel like I am being honest. Also probably am too open, my wife describes it as me having no filter and can be very embarrassed about what I say. You know those thoughts that come into your head from time to time, but your brain tells you before you say it that it is not appropriate? Well those things just come right out when I am manic, and at the time I have no guilt or shame about what I have said. My wife has said that it is sometime easier to deal with the depression than the mania as when depressed I am still kind and considerate (even if I am a drag to be around cause I am so lifeless).

I have been blessed that medications seem to work quite well for me and I have not had any real episodes for about 1.5 years. I am sure that in this time though I have had some small fluctuations due to the condition that put strain on our relationship for short periods. There have been times when my wife says that I have been very argumentative. At the time I can not see any fault on my part and just think she is being cranky, but there is probably a lot more to it than that!

There has probably been a number of times when she has been close to throwing it all in, but she has always stayed beside me threw it all. I am so grateful that I married such a wonderful girl. Hang in there I am sure your girlfriend appreciates you and your patience more than you know.

[Jennie]

It's nice to know it's the same on both sides. I wasn't implying that it's only men or women though. I was only speaking from my experience, I didn't want to say this is for men too because I really did't know myself. Pretty much everything you said, I can relate to.  But it's nice to know, and I'm sure Thoctar is happy to hear it from a man's point of view as well.

[Thoctar]

Thanks both of you, and I really am glad for her, and I know sometimes there are misunderstandings, but I also know that she knows that I will never be mad at you and I really do understand that its hard and I will always want to help her   

[Phyllis]

that's the funny thing about being/having bipolar. you can be like this often. one way or the other. I know I am. sometimes (usually) I am pretty open. But, there are times when I am paranoid as hell and don't want to tell anyone anything.

[macrent2]

Secretive? Not generally. In fact, when I am hypomanic (which I am now) I am willing to be very open with people and often don't know when to shut up. However, when I am in a full blown manic episode I can/have become VERY paranoid. I could easily see that when a person is paranoid, they could be seen as "repressed and secretive" to other people. However, most people who are paranoid are too afraid to be open and honest (even with doctors) because they are afraid of being locked up, hospitalized, attacked, harassed, or seen as crazy. I saw a good lecture on You Tube by French researcher Serge Beaulieu, MD, PhD. He said that when many patients become stabilized after a manic episode, and were "asked again" if they were paranoid or thought or heard voices that "people were out to get or hurt them" (during their first evaluation), that they had lied. He said people rarely want to put themselves in a position to have themselves hospitalized if they are paranoid. It makes sense too because it is hard for a paranoid person to be open and trust loved ones and friends let alone people he/she has never met in a place where your every move is monitored! No wonder so many paranoid people lie or are "secretive".

Then there is depression which well.... you don't care or could care less what others say or what you have to say. That is, if you can even raise your head up to answer or talk to someone who is trying to get your attention. Seriously, I was once in a depression where I wouldn't have even gotten out of bed if there was a fire raging in my apartment (which was going to engulf my bedroom) and I only had a single minute to escape certain death. The firefighters would have had to have dragged my sorry self out. During this one depressive episode, I didn't answer my friends phone calls or texts (my Dad sometimes won't call for days if I don't call him because he knows I am busy studying and does not want to bother me and my brother does not give a damn what I do). So what does my friend do? Well... she calls the Police of the city I live in... for a welfare check! I was so depressed but I crawled out of bed and answered the door told them I was sick with the flu and that I was asleep when she had called. The Police bought my line of bullshit and left. I then angrily called my friend and told her off! I didn't tell the Police the truth because I knew that they would have probably made me go to the hospital for an evaluation.

Of course, it could just be the persons personality or they could be a number of other labels or disorders. In fact, you could most likely write a report on this subject or a series of them You could maybe even do some research or a study/survey and write a peer reviewed article (maybe someone has already done so and been published in a journal, I should check EBSCOHOST or PUBMED) and then write a book on the topic.