as afar as research goes, i enter his office fully armed, the poor fuck doesn't know how to handle me any longer... he looks at me with blank stares now, because he can't address my issues... for instance, paxil... it's an ssri, meaning it causes the serotonin neurotransmitter to remain directly attached to the serotonin receptor... it does not recycle... look at recycling simply as the molecule returning back from where it came... and it goes back and forth often... but when it's recycled, it's protected from other enzymes in the brain that break it down if it's exposed in the open too long, literally destroying it. the patient may receive some relief at first, but over time all serotonin is destroyed leaving the patient in even worse shape. by simply correcting a process called tryptophan conversion, mood is immediately lifted... by taking an additional amount, more then the RDA, which is a ridiculously low standard to begin with, serotonin levels rise quickly back into normal ranges... people with all disease require more of different cofactors because their bodies can't use these cofactors efficiently, so they need more, sometimes much more, at least in the beginning till things clear up and the body is healthy again... once you're out of the woods, you can begin lowering intake, sometimes down to only what you get from the foods you eat... he didn't know what to say to me, he didn't understand half of what i just shared with you... so yeah, when i jump into my car to head to his office i already know how i'm going to play with his head...
as far as journals go, none of my first 5 psychologists even suggested i keep a journal let alone ask me if i kept journals... and boy have i kept journals... i have 23 notebooks full of things i've written and well over a thousand separate word documents... Kelly, my current psychologist is the only one to ask if i kept them as well as ask if she could read some... and she loved them as well as my sister who is a lit professor... i always enjoyed writing though... anyway, just this past week my sister picked up a new hard drive for me as a christmas gift in order to back up all these documents, just in case some shit happens because i've already had one hard drive crash on me... a good friend who is into computers tried repair it by purchasing two parts from the manufacturer that could be replaced by someone who knew what they were doing but it didn't work out... the disk itself failed i lost over 300 gigs of music... goooood music and important book marks and documents...
be careful Geister... evaluating yourself, because it can be tricky girl... you can come up with all kinds of crazy shit you think you might have... i don't want to see you walk down that road... my step sister was hypochondriac... it's your anxiety, i'm sure you have anxiety... you know yourself better then i do of course, but between friends, i don't believe you have half the things you think you do... these mental illnesses, their symptoms can overlap with other illnesses to begin with and sometimes when we're under stress we sometimes read into things that just aren't there... it would happen to me all of the time... i used to think all kinds of crazy shit... fuck there were times i'd think there were bugs under my skin and was sure it was an illness called bugs under my skin disease or some shit... seriously
can you imagine the stress i was under when i couldn't find anything on it? the stress made it even worse! of course i was hallucinating, the feeling that is, but my mind itself, my imagination got the best of me...
anyway, i know i've already said this to you already but i hope you have a good christmas...
Kensho
