totally freakin out

[dionomo]

i think im being watched and feel like everyone is becoming enemy to me
.... i have a date in a few hours and im tweekin bad my hearts all high hands shaking eyes are moving too fast
but at the same time i almost feel clear headed moment by moment
i am so nervous my heart feels like itll burst any second i need calm down
i cant figure why i think people dislike me and want to harm me i mean no harm to anyone
the more i worry of this the more it seems to get crazyer im tryin to take deep breaths
only want it to stop and this is gettin too much im rushing tears down my face
i just hope i can keep it together im falling apart ..
i went way up in happy and now i feel like im going to burrow into a deep sorrow like never before
if i pray for it to go away it only grows into elaborate ideas of how God or the devil is to do me in
so if you pray please pray for me bc i cant
wish the rest of you the best
hopfully i pull my head out

[Dreamline]

Hey man every moments can be an eternity and change of direction...but in whole its a painful mosaic for a spell.  If you have a date, you can always say you don't feel well since you don't...the last thing you need is pressure unless of course you think you might feel better getting out.  Hey we like you here so don't forget that!  Don't try so hard, if you need to fall apart for a minute let it happen...it ok ((((dionomo))))

[Phyllis]

was the date what triggered these feelings? I know anxiety can be a pain in the ass and start making ya get paranoid and what not. (at least for me anyway) hang in there and try to remain rational. I know it's difficult. It's ok to call off the date if you are feeling out of sorts. Be well, man. We are here if you need us.

[Dreamline]

Dude you aright?  I hope you are ok.

[dionomo]

well thanks for the support i trust you people almost more then my doc but wow im still trippin out cant seem to figure it out
this girl is so awesome to me she has it all as for what i like in a women but she does get me mighty nervous when i go to meet her or whatever
this was to be the 3rd date we were gonna do dinner and a movie but weather got real nasty so that kinda worked out in my favor
my anxiety shot through the roof after the last date just cause i really like this one and just have a millions thoughts rushing though
old feelings of past relationships and what not the old memory could have sparked something its like i found an old puzzle piece i just wanted to throw away
this morning though i was laying on a friends couch and thinkin starin at the cieling
i really feel like my life is a maze and my mind is a puzzle
i feel like have been stuck in this maze inside my head looking for answers to find myself and build my person so its like i collect puzzle pieces along the way
some i like so i keep them  and it just seems like every time i look to take new direction in this maze
i keep losing all my puzzle pieces or like someone takes them and throws them all over this maze and i cant stop looking for them
and i dont feel like i know who i am sometimes and this is why im so down on myself
it makes me feel like im less of a person then everyone else and dating is hard and it hurts sometimes
so i guess im more or less worried im going to lose all of my puzzle again and its not going to be easy
to start over cause im trapped in this maze i guess i just want to be free of the non-sense inside me
but i cant change how i think because ive been this way as long as my puzzle pieces show me
its eating me up inside though

[dionomo]

on a bright note though i had an awesome hallucination while i stared at the ceiling
the walls cracked and split open then then cieling split open and it was like i could like hear and feel the noise as if it was totally real
scared the @#!$ out of me but then when i could see the sky and almost feel the wind it was so beautiful i could hear noises from birds
the most vivid hallucination ive ever had my friends told me in the morning i need to check myself and im gettin to be nutty again
we went sleddin and i was just crazy all day just like always
i forgot to take the morning meds and didnt bring the nightly meds so ...woo hoo for that i guess
also hadnt slept all weekend really but maybe 4 or 5 hrs sometimes being crazy can be fun
but i restarted my meds today just being all worked up freakin out cant hardly tell what im doin
hope i dont end up in the nut house

[Ashes]

How are you doing?  I havent hallucinated in about a year.  Did you call your doc?   I take Haldol when I start feeling the way you are right now.  I dont miss dating at all.  My nerves used to stay shot.  Just curious does the girl know about your illness?  I always tried to tell them I was ill but I dont think anyone ever understood how bad it could get.
Ashes

[dionomo]

im really nervous how to tell some one how my mind operates although i did tell her that im crazy and if see could handle that i think we could be really good together but i cant seem to figure that out anyway so how could i tell someone you know its all making me far to nervous and building some serious anxiety up inside me im wearing a strechy band around my chest because its making my muscles tense around my heart and im real shakey i really want a punchin bag to take off some stress.... i went to the doc today talked with a nurse and im back on an anxiety med that i quit taking a long while ago but its not even started to work and ive had 4 of them since i got home allready and thats the maximum im suppose to take in one day and theres no effect yet but im becoming way more complicated as i try to do more things im thinkin i may get locked up inside the crazy house soon cause im startin to feel like i cant handle the pressures of my simple life and thats making me sad too i just wish i was a little less than ok again cause that seems to be the best i can be