Is there life outside of my home?

[high maintenence]

I used to be so different. I have 4 children and a wonderful husband. I worked for a hospice company (RN). I took care of all of the family duties.I weighed about 110 pounds and was the life of the party. I taught the youth at our church and they thought I was the coolest. I was so full of energy. Wow, do I miss that. Since the bombshell ( my crashdown ) things have hugely changed. During my crash, I attempted suicide, cut my arms, cut my hair off at the root and wrote all over several of the walls in my house with paint and sharpies. My house used to stay so clean. I would do all of my running around for the kids during the afternoon hours after work and I would clean the house at night while everyone slept. I never slept. Didn't need sleep. I wish I could be that person again. I know to some of you that sounds crazy, but it was so much better than now. Since I was medicated, a year ago, I haven't left my house, and I'm serious, only to go to the doctor. I've not been to church, my family goes without me. I've not been to school functions, or ballgames. My husband is Mr. Wonderful and I am non-existent. He has formed a business at home so that he can take care of us. We had a good bit of retirement money to live on, and of course I now have disability and SSI, and food stamps. I don't know how we got in this position, but I sure thank God that we still have a roof over our heads. I now weigh 200lbs. All I do is eat, watch TV, and cry. My house doesn't get cleaned, and that comes from the same person that used to mop behind you as you walked through the door. I just don't know who I am anymore.

[francie]

i am sending big hugs if you want them...

i hope that in time, and with  some encouragement from your medical professional(s), you will start feeling better... i understand what it's like to change completely.. i remember one day i turned around and my house was a nightmare!  I was always a good housekeeper and that went to hell when i fell into a depression and "could not" do anything at all.  i didn't recognize myself anymore, either.

perhaps babble will be a good source of support and encouragement for you, High?  whatever you do, try not to give up on YOU.  You seem like a wonderful person, and even wonderful people go through bad phases in life. 

i don't know what else to say, except that i have hope for you to start feeling better in time and perhaps slowly get back into living the sort of life you enjoy and which will be more fulfilling for you.  wish i could help! 

~~francie

[high maintenence]

Francie, Thank you for those encouraging words...I think I'm getting some help here....By the way, reporting me about the smileys was a mistake. You must have taken it completely out of context because I sure didn't mean anything that should be reported...I'm just an unbelieveably depressed person that feels jealous to see a smile that i can't have....Only love....high maintenence

[Lurker]

this is a place of welcome, and if someone does not understand that is not your problem

[francie]

i don't know what you mean about the smileys, High?

or were you talking to someone else? 
i was confused about that?

meanwhile, you certainly do have a nice smile in your avatar!

[high maintenence]

It was nothing about the smileys Francie...Big mix up and no worries.Email me if you want an explanation, otherwise just choke it up as a boo boo. That's a pic, not an avatar...I usually do put a big smile on my face...Who know why? The smile looks really cheery though doesn't it?