in my world

[Jennie]

can it be that maybe just maybe, im more than biplor? can it be that im crazy but just dont really know it yet, or not at that leval of phycotic yet?> my episodes seem to always start because...because...ii dont know how to put it. it's like when ii see or smell something familiar or maybe it's not even familiar at all. ii go into this trance, getting this warm feeling inside, feeling as im floating on a cloud or just somewhere else, in my own world. ii dont know how to explain it. its like there can be two chairs that look exactly alike, but there will be one that catches my eye as if there's something else to it. Then ii try to further analyze it and figure out why exactly it is that it's catching my attention. Then ii start to get this warm feeling inside,as ii try to capture the moment, it slowly fades away.The warm feeling ii had inside turns into an unbareable feeling. making my body go numb. So numb that tears start to drip from my cheeks as ii try not to slit my wrists to end the numbness. ii prefer fantasy from reality. i'm always sleeping, because the only place ii find true happiness is in my dreams. Peole think im crazy for saying this but ii can ALWAYS control the ending of my dreams at a snapp of a finger. ii cant control how it starts but ii can control how it ends. for example if the dreams begins like: some dude is trying to kill me, ii can change the ending instead of me dying, he tripps and stabbs himself with the knife. Sometimes ii go a place and when ii touch a certain thing ii feel attached to it even tho ii had never touched nor been near it before. it's as if ii had tho. Some people ii tell this to come to the conclusion that it could be from a  past life, or reincarnation. Whos knows.
   Could it be ii really do have a gift? a sixth sense? ii hghly doubt it. ii guess it's just me. overanalyzing things again......*sighs*

[Phyllis]

I doubt your crazy. 
Sure, it could be possible that you have a gift. I have a gift myself, but I have supressed it so far down in the past few years, that I don't think I can honestly say that I still have the gift. My gift is/ was reading people.

Are you on meds? Because sometimes meds can cause us to have weird dreams. But also being off meds can cause weird dreams as well. I know I have horrible nightmares that have been induced by my medications.

Hang in there, we are here for you. 

[Jennie]

thanks phylis. :)well yes ii am on meds. im on celexa and trileptol. however all these things have been happening to me way before ii even knew ii had bipolar disorder so its not the meds.

[ray38]

 That really made me think Jennie. I wish I could put my feelings, my  thoughts, my dreams into words the way you did here. Then maybe ppl would understand me and what I go through on a day to day basis.

[Jennie]

you can. it took me years. ii finally took the time the day ii posted it to try and relax and put my thoughts into words. People dont understand me. Usually when ii try to speak my mind, people look at me like,"wtf?!?!" but i've found that peaceful classical music helps. You should try it. or if not, just write exactly what you're thinking even if it doesnt make sense.Afterwards, reread it and put it into words that do make sense. ii was shocked to hear that you could really understand what ii was saying. ii wasn't really expecting an answer because ii didnt think anyone could understand what ii was saying. well im pretty good at analyzing considering the fact ii over analyze. lolx. well if anything you can use me as your diary and i'll try my best to understand.=]

[Phyllis]

It will be difficult Jennie, but you want to try and avoid the over analyzing thing. I was that way for YEARS and I finally got out of that obsessive manner of mine. You can really get yourself caught up in webs. I dissected things so much that at the end I didn't even know what the beginning concept was. Just a thought from someone who has been there. 

[clayton]

Dear Jennie: There's something in parapsychology called "conscious dreaming"--that is when you become aware that you are in your bed sleeping while in the dream. Can you do that?
I have done it a number of times--it is great fun.

Over-analysing, I think, is mostly a woman thing--I have met so many women trying to analyse their boyfriends, and why did he do this, and why didnt he do that, and on and on. Fact is, the guy is simply a jerk, but it takes another man to see that. My point is that over-analysing is often rooted in gender--and it is certainly related to how much time we have to analyse--of course, if we are deprived of our time to analyse, we will feel very frustrated.
But if we dont wallow in it, I see no harm in it.

Clayton

[Jennie]

Clayton, thanks for the advice. yes ii do control my dreams numerous times. i'll look more into parapsychology though. ii guess you can say that over analyzing is more of a woman thing. However, for me i'm not always "over analyzing" about things like boyfriends or anything like that. It's more of, " what is there in life?" "Since they say that bipolar disorder is caused by a (chemical embalace) do we really have chemicals in our body?" what's out in the universe? so on and so on........Once ii get so far in my thoughts ii start to get frusterated because all this thinking and curiosity is useless. ii won't get an answer anyways.

[Jennie]

It's just, i'm the typed of person that just goes with the flow. ii dont want to bother anyone. whatever happens happens i'm not to complain, but when it comes to me and my decisons im never satisfied. Just seems like there could be something more, but what??....

[KATE336]

hi. why do you use ii for i?

[Jennie]

haha kate ii dont know. One day ii accidentally did it and ii guess ii like it.=]

[DJ]

I was curious about that myself.  I guess that is as good a reason as any.  It's your trademark!  Can't say that anyone else here has a trademark. Good job.

[beaneebabie]

LOL i like ii