My sons birthday and my fears.

[Anna]

Tomorrow my baby boy will be 23.I can't say it only seems like yesterday when he was born,because it seems like what it was 23 years.He,my daughter and I didn't have it easy.Not that many single parent families,or even married families do.But there is a special bond between my kids and I.They have seen me sick so many times,I was always worrying about how it would effect them.But even though my son had a rough time as a teenager,hes doing great now.Finished college and is now working there as an intern.My daughter has a baby and is marred and doing well too.

So whats the problem right? Why the fear?
Because we have been blessed to have a time of peace for a few years.Smooth sailing with only a few bumps.
Why is it when things are going well,I have more fear of them going wrong?
I want to go with the flow and accept the good days life brings me.
Is it that I know it will end,or is it that the horrible days have left such an impression on my soul,that I'm no longer in touch with true peace at all?

[kaz]

hi, I have a 23 yr old son and a 21 yr old daughter who both have children and are doing well, I had my son at 16, I was a single parent and I tend to say i didn't bring my kids up, i dragged my them up because I was still a kid myself!
At times we all went through hell and I can't believe they have turned out ok? its me who hasn't!! everything seems to be going ok for a bit then something or someone will knock me on my arse!
So I also have a similar fear and I am always wondering what next??

[Anna]

Well,I think this experience may be coming from the hurt I felt the other day at a friend.I posted about it in the babble thread.It felt like just what you say.Someone just coming along and knocking on my ***. It was however a small bump in comparision to most.It was just that things were going so well this week until that happened.I have terrible stomach problems and had been feeling good in that area.But that just destroyed the strength I had gained by applying myself to eating right and exersizing to get well.Now I'm feeling better but still going through that process of forgeting it.I have a really hard time forgetting things now.I try,but ya know how those inturding thoughts can be.I need to replace them.

[high maintenence]

I have 4 children that are much younger...16-13-11-10..They have a good bit of stability because they do have both parents and my husband does try to keep things calm. I can identify though with the fear of what tomorrow will bring. It's kind of like having an off day at work, but you really can't enjoy it because you spend the whole day dreading the next day because you know tomorrow you have to go back to work.

[Anna]

Your right.Thats how it feels.Like impending doom.I have gotten better at pushing it aside for a while.But can't always.I guess my memories are just so dark,I can easily flal into them again if I continue to remember them without a break,and as we all know thats the hard part most of the time.

[high maintenence]

That's a whole new subject that I've been wondering about lately...Should we wake up everyday and say "I'm bipolar and I'm going to make it through this day", just for example, by getting on this webste daily and immediately starting your day remembering the fact that you are bp....Or, should we try to forget as long as we are feeling on the low side of OK, and wake up "normal" and just try to be "normal" and act "normal" and not hop on here everyday to start our day out with the "I'm sick with bipolar" attitude....I am really unsure what is best, but my pdoc seems to think that it is a good thing for me. My therapist on the other hand says it is not productive. I really hate the therapist though. Right now I'm unstable, and right now this is what I want and need...but I wonder what you guys think. I know it's kind of deep, but do you get what I'm trying to say at all?

[francie]

Hi!  I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder when i was 22 -- i'm 51 now... let's see.. i never considered myself "sick" with bipolar disorder... it's not that i didn't have a really hard time, but i have always been "like this" and wouldn't know how to act if i were suddenly, totally symptom free.

i do look back and see how i have changed in the way i think about life and my illness.... and how the illness affects me now as well as in the past--but i did try to stick with my psychiatrist (still do) and had a couple of great therapists which i stuck with for a long time, as well.  had some crappy therapists too, i might add.  over the last several years, i haven't been in therapy all of the time, but i do go when i feel the need.

i was also diagnosed with PTSD, as many of you know... when my PTSD was at its worse, nothing seemed manageable.  from 1992 through 2002 i was in the hospital more than six times (i've lost track).  i just checked myself in...

i think we all have to ACCEPT the fact we have bipolar disorder and there are going to be times where we are (as High said) unstable.  It's during those times when we need to seek support and get in touch with our mental health professionals, if we need to.

High, if you disllike your therapist, i wonder why you don't seek another one?  I have done that more than twice... seemed they weren't helpful, and i felt one of them, in particular, needed a psychiatrist... not kidding!

[high maintenence]

Francie...I've only seen this therapist twice and I won't be going back. I've never had one before. I will be without one though because she is the only one in my county that accepts Medicaid and she is at the county mental health center and they are idiots. I pay my pdoc privately because she is the one that I began seeing when I still was working and had insurance and I don't want to leave her, but guess what..I found out today, after seeing this stupid therapist that had me all shook up, that my pdoc is moving to Florida....OMG, I've never thought of this happening and I've never cried so hard as I have today. :'( She saved my life and I am grieving...What's up with that? This is ridiculous, me acting like this over such a small thing. I'm just not doing well, ya'll. Please remember me in you thoughts and prayers. :'(

[Anna]

high maintenence -Sorry about the doctor. I've been with mine 21 years now. While change can seem awful sometimes,it can also lead us to something new and undiscovered. Another doctor may touch on thing you haven't yet.A different opinoin always has some benifets.