headed for a brick wall...

[k]

letter to therapist: 
w yesterday when i came home i took invega, moban, seroquel, 2-3mg of xanax, wine and nothing would knock me out.  after dark i went into the hottub and swam - weird thought but i didn't use jets i just pretended like i was in a really really really small pool and floated and swam in the warm water, almost a full moon and it was incredible. i came back in and took more xanax and 2 1/2 sleeping pills and the rest of my regular meds and more wine. about 10-11pm i finally fell asleep. i awoke by 6 but stayed in bed until steph called at 7 and now i've been all over the place  cleaning, cleaning, outside, pounding in fun on my husband and other things and again he can't believe how fast i change and running and panicked and happy and overwhelmed and anxious and cleaning and writing and i lost a very important book and i'm panicked i can't find my book.  i took my meds i took 2mg of xanax now i'm drinking beer and if i could get my hands on it i would take pot or even something more. i can't stand what is happening to me and it looks like i'm just deliberately losing control - like i talked about earlier. it's like i want to be thrown into the hospital, take an overdose, cut myself badly,  run away and not tell anyone - i'm headed to a brick wall.  i'm running straight for it at full speed. i know it's going to hurt so much worse after i hit it. i know it will kill me or maim me or just have me locked up until i want my freedom to choose again.  does this make any sense. i know it doesn't make sense to a normal person. in fact i think i'm going to post this exact email on bpbabble and see what people say if anything.  i'm going to see if anyone understands. i'm going to do this now.
w i am so sorry. i am so sorry i wish i could stop. k

[Phyllis]

unfortunately I can understand what you are feeling. It has been a long while since I have felt that way myself, but believe me, I completely understand the way you are feeling. Just try not to overmedicate yourself, it can get you in trouble. Take care! Remember, we are here to listen and help if we can.

[Julie]

ohhh. I wrote a long post to u and then poof it was gone. Yuck!
You addressed this to a therapist. Have you called yours to say " I am headed for the brick wall"? I am sure you know that mixing the meds with the alcohol is not a good thing and you may get more than the brick wall, as you mentioned. We think about things, but sometimes pass off that they are exactly what could occur. Wouldn't your husband be hurt if you did something you could not repair (regardless of him living with the mood swings)? Taking a bath in the late evening after meds is stimulating. You want sleep,  not simulation. Get some help. So what it is Sat.? Who cares, call them anyway. Make the call! Do it for yourself. Life is worth sticking around for even in our own craziness.

[Ramji]

k - I understand .... and care .... and wish there was something I could do.

[k]

thank you from the bottom of my heart and soul to everyone who answered my post. i truly mean it. it helps. j  or k well that's jork or close to dork and one shouldn't have a sense of humor on the verge of a brick wall...k

[Julie]

I think we all enjoy a sense of humor, no matter where we are in life. Life is hard, so laugh every chance you get!!! Thinking of you. J

[clayton]

k, you've got to get away from the Darkside--there's more magick in the Light.

[nordicnicki]

i can sympathise with that feeling and then need to take things just for releif.......i recently was heading fro my seventh day withour sleep and far too much energy,looked like shit ,probably spoke it too!i ended up pleading to a friend to get me something, anything that would help....i dont know what he gave me but that and two bottles of wine seem to do the trick and i slept for 5 hours.......when your desperate and not thinking straight you do stupid things....but thoughts of ending it all you have to try to disperse ther is always going to be something that can help rather than that...always people that will love and support you whatever you feel or do.....but you have to stay with us...i like your posts 
im at my most dangerous when i dont sleep for long periods...so i can understand your thoughts,although mine maybe different

[high maintenence]

  K...this doesn't sound like you at all so I am so worried. Please update us on how you are. I understand what you are going through. You just take everything you can and drink everything you can just to put yourself asleep or at least calm you down. None of it seems to work, it just makes you drunk and stupid or angry and dangerous...been there babe. The therapists say that they care, but Julie, most of them don't. They make it so hard for you to get in touch with them after hours and then when you do, they offer this same damn advice, like take a warm shower, or drink warm milk, or listen to soft music, like we are babies looking for a lullaby. Boy, do I wish it was that easy. I'm not saying that all therapists are that way, but most. We know that we're not supposed to mix all of these meds and alcohol, but if you've ever traveled here, you know how desperate you get...K, I hope you're better, we all know you need sleep, but don't know how to give it to you. I wish I could.

[francie]

k, thinking you of you and wishing you all the BEST from here.  i sure don't want to see you get hurt.

i understand what you are going through, but like Phyllis said, i've not been that way in a long while...

please let us know how you are ok??

hugs, francie

[Julie]

Good morning all 
I am really sorry to read the post about therapist, but I do know that it happens. It is sad that we can't remove ppl from positions that they really have no interest in other than pay. I keep a fairly low number of clients for one simple reason. They have the ability to contact me at even given time. Whether I am in the office or on vacation. Maybe it is due to my own hardships in life, but when ya need someone it is now and not next wk. I am honest with my clients.. someone calls me at 2 Am about her husband calling her a bitch and she has been up all night or days. I talk for a few and then tell them I WILL call back in the AM and try to help them find something to work on until then. So I am sorry, if you are treated that was and hope that you will one day come across someone who has had a hard life and they understand needing help NOW. I guess maybe I am also alittle more in tune with my husband being bipolar. Can I comment on self help?  I personally believe that filling your head with all that crap can sometimes be as bad as the problem itself. The same things do not work for all ppl. I get so angry with  psychiatrist when they tell me this is the way their suppose to do it". There is no correct way! It is what works for that one person. So, I found 4 psychiatrist that actually listen and that is who my clients go to see. Oh course, they can select their own, but it is for overall better care for them. Oh this whole conversation makes me angry. therapist that are only in it for the money (OK, other fields too) should not have the privilege of working with ppl who really want to get better. Do I cross the line? Maybe sometimes I do. I am guilty of going to their home to ck on them and their kids if they have kids. I am guilty of taking over dinner or ordering it to go there if they are really sick. I have been told "that is way to personal". For who? I certainly have needed the same thing and the goal should be to help that person. Does it really matter what kind of help they need at the moment? Be it dinner for their kids, meds from the store and an individual session at your office. I hate the "get some milk, take a bath, listen to music". Why, first of all no one should suggest the bath or music as they are simulating. Thats like saying "have some cocaine and sleep well". I watch my husband as he goes through these pds. He says "bath", I say "warm quiet hug". "you would sleep better if I were gone". "No, I would worry if you were gone, not sleep". Does it distrube me when he gets up 20 times out of the bed in one night. Yes, but what are the alternatives? Ask him to sleep somewhere else? No. I am sure there are times my rutting around in the bed makes him wish I would sleep somewhere else. I just try to stay quiet and let the time pass. I find that even when something is said to you that is just not right, if you will be quiet and give it sometime, it to passes without much fanfare. When he is awake for days he spends many nights waxing his vehicle until the paint is nearly gone and then keeps going. I just wait for the mood to change. Again, maybe I am different,but I know WE all have problems. He took total care of me for 3 wks in Feb. He told me later that he never thought about how much his bipolar and me were alike. He had to put me in bed, out of bed, feed me in the bed, on the commode and off, in the shower, bath me and out, push me even just to the kitchen. I was totally dependant on him. I would cry and he would hold me and rock me. "The therapist"! We are all human. I have learned to know when to many meds are going in. I have learned the difference in the mood, voice and questions. Damn, when those questions that have been asked and gone over 10,000 times start again, I know we are headed down that road and he really needs sleep and is trying to get it through meds mixed. They are questions that seems to point blame, but I have learned they are insecurity and paranoia. So I stop them before it gets into deep conversation and I ask about the meds and how much at this point. He gets defensive, but like many, is just looking for a way to sleep. We usually just watch tv or something at that point (he walks around and watches) but it allows the topic just to die down. He will sit when he feels that the "coast is clear" and he has been accepted just the way he is that moment. No argument.
I guess I live both sides, so I know the real need and it is not tomorrow!
See I remember when I used to beat the dash boards learning to drive with the chair. Cry at the drop of a hat and scream just when you least expect it. Beg to just "go away" so that I could find peace. I also remember the drs and therapist that helped and the ones that "just got paid". I know with all the limits that we have to face in terms of "who we can see".. finding a different therapist and starting over is hard, but I encourage you to look further, if you are not getting the care you need. A psychiatrist provides meds, but you really do need a good honest, unafraid sounding board. Julie

[high maintenence]

Julie, I'm so glad to hear that there are some therapists that really care....I've dumped my second one because she wants to teach me how to just "snap out of it" by using behavior modification...That's shit. We can't modify our behaviour, we just try to make the best we can out of living with it....I also have been told than I am too personal with people who I love who are suffering through lifes problems, ex. death, divorce. My mother and my husband say that I have enough on my plate already and that I should let them handle their own problems. I know that they are probably right, but I've always tended to be the "fixer". When it starts, I can't get it to stop and they become leeches...That is when it becomes destructive for me...Maybe I will learn this soon. Julie, if you can handle giving to your patients, then do it, because we always need that help and need to feel that someone actually loves and cares about us.....High

[Julie]

High I get the same thing from my husband when he feels he is not getting every inch of my attention (usually manic and looking for something to focus on/bitch about). That I give to much to others needs. Visit on the phone to often with my parents, my children and my grandson (they live 10.5 hrs away, no local fam). Well, I give most of my life to the care of others, including unknown hrs a day to his care. This is who I am and yes, sometimes it does get heavy. BUT he will be the one to go, before my family and ppl who need me. I say that, because I give him all of me and he can chip off just alittle of the block for others that I care for and/of love. If not, the selfishness will be what I see.  Others helped me..So what, Thank you and nothing from me? No, I am not that way. I will keep giving. Tks for your support in my effort.

[francie]

I haven't had a therapist who i felt didn't care, but i did have a couple who were terminally weird.

[high maintenence]

I hear ya Francie....Julie, I know you feel like saying that your husband would be the one that would have to go if you had to choose between him and your efferts to help others, but I have to say that I strongly disagree on your position. I guess it may be due to my religion that I feel this way. My husband never pushes me not to help others, he knows it wouldn't work. It is when the help turns to them sucking the blood out of me that he puts his foot down. I know it's gonna happen and so does he, but I think I'm learning my lesson and I think he's waiting for me to teach myself the lesson. I fought him on the last person that I helped. He said it was enough and my pdoc said that this person was causing me harm, but I continued trying to deal with him. It did come to a point that my husband said it was his way or the highway, and I would never ever choose anyone over my husband. It has nothing to do with obeying him, just loving him enough to do what he asks. I know he only does what is best for me. I know your situation is flipped around being that your husband is the one with BP, but still, I think your marriage should always come 2nd only to God.