change

[high maintenence]

I don't know who I am anymore I don't look the same, or act the same, or socialize the same, or even sound like the same person. Am I still there and will I ever come back. Sometimes at night, I get the motivation to get out and go somewhere, or exercise, take a shower, shave, do my nails, fix my hair, put on some makeup, and then I'll tell myself that I swear I'll keep that motivation until the next day, so that I am able to do these things, but of course, by the next morning, I'm beat from fighting sleep all night.

My pdoc has said that I will never be the same and I realize that by talking to all of you, that it never goes away.
I don't want to be me, if this is who I am.

I don't want everything in life to be the way it was before. I think I was doing things that I wasn't meant to do and I know I was trying to hard to be supermom that controlled the world. I would want those things to be different, but just a taste of my life would be so nice. This is not the way it is supposed to be. I just want to throw it away, throw the pills away, and "snap out of it" as everyone else would say.

I am nobody in this world...most people don't even realize that I exist anymore (with the exception of my husband, kids, and mother). Even they don't like me. I know they love me, but they don't like me. How could anyone like the behavior that I have. It's no different than the way I feel about my daughter. I love her so much and would DIE for her, but I don't like her. She's turned out to be so selfish and mean and lazy. Maybe she will grow out of that as her teenage years pass, but I don't think I'm going to be growing out of my behavior. The way I act will forever be etched in the brains of my children and they will tell theirs. I can only hope that they remember when things were good.

[nordicnicki]

high you could have crawled inside my head and plucked all those things you said out of my brain....you hit every nail on the head...real strange....as if you just repeated mt thoughts about me!

for me i dont think a day goes by when i wish i could just wake up and be me,but i dont know who that would be anymore,i dont exactly want to be the same as every other woman,but yes living like this just leaves you feeling that this cant be it

i totally understand the kind of love dislike situation with kids and it usually leaves me feeling guilt for having these thoughts.
i also feel very invisible to the world,like i dont matter

and i think that out of all the people that i know whom i have never met,you would be first on my list to actually see face to face ....i dont have problems like you but then you dont have mine,but something seems to click with other similarities and understanding of feelings and thought patterns

love ya lady....your beautiful inside always

[Phyllis]

High,

I went through a stage like that when I first started taking my meds. It was difficult to say the least, to watch my "old self" be left behind and let my "new self" come in and get comfy. I'm ok with it now. Sure, I still miss my "old self", but I'm in the here and now and have to concentrate on that - thinking about the past for me will only set me back as far as treatment goes.

[clayton]

I have never had an "old self" and "new self" problem--I had a "normal" self and "psycho self" problem!

[nordicnicki]

three cheers to that clayton

[Joe Buck]

  For the last 3 weeks I have been slowly descending in to a depression. I do not have the mental resources at this time to write anything meaningful So I give you all a quote from Mother Teresa. I will try to get some sleep again to drown out Fred.

Being unwanted, unloved, uncared for, forgotten by everybody, I think that is a much greater hunger, a much greater poverty than the person who has nothing to eat.
 Mother Teresa (1910-1997) Albanian-born missionary.

[nordicnicki]

Being unwanted, unloved, uncared for, forgotten by everybody,

joe you are thought of in the opposite of all of these things xx

[Skylona]

  For the last 3 weeks I have been slowly descending in to a depression. I do not have the mental resources at this time to write anything meaningful So I give you all a quote from Mother Teresa. I will try to get some sleep again to drown out Fred.

Being unwanted, unloved, uncared for, forgotten by everybody, I think that is a much greater hunger, a much greater poverty than the person who has nothing to eat.
 Mother Teresa (1910-1997) Albanian-born missionary.

Those are just like my fav quotes: " If you see a person without a smile, give them yours" .

"Give a moment of kindness. for a lifetime of warmth"


Just don't shove it in there face quiet caring but not way too much.

[high maintenence]

Yes Nicki, I have noticed this connection like a brick thrown at my head. I always can count on you to understand exactly what I am saying.

Phyllis, I've never really thought about creating a "new" me and I know that's not exactly what you said (create), but I think I might try that. I have been striving too hard to be who I used to be...I really don't know who I am, as Nicki has said to me, so how to I find that out? I'm gonna work on it. You guys amaze me.

Clayton, gosh you crack me up.

Bob, I agree with that statement. I'm sorry that you are talking to Fred again. Tell him to stay the hell out of your life.