Reachieving Self-Determinism

[clayton]

Self-determinism, charting my own course and going there, is something I lost along the road of so many hospitalizations, when my course was determined by others in so many ways, starting with the person who had me arrested. At some point, one gives up on a direction--they have broken my compass, as it were, and one listens to anybody and everybody for directions. One has become a drifter, with "no direction home" like bob Dylan says. Funny, I had it in HS--I had it as a youthful activist, but it was knocked out of me by circumstances I could not control.

Self-determinism, pardon the use of Dianetics terminology, means determining our situation on four dynamics: the self dynamic, the sex and love dynamic, the groups dynamic, and the mankind dynamic. Ron calls this "pan-determinism".

I recovered most of my self-determinism by giving my head to the True Guru and making Him my father--I know where I stand on the four dynamics, but all of this was done after I took control of the being hospitalized problem and stopped it, and continues to improve.

So who else has felt like they were drifting--or struggling with control of their lives? And what have you turned to?

clayton

[Phyllis]

that is a good question. I'll have to think about that one for a while and get back to ya.

[jtokc]

I lost control of my life until I found the right meds for me. So I have turned to medication. And it works for me.


Jane

[Ramji]

I lost control of my life until I found the right meds for me. So I have turned to medication. And it works for me.


Jane

Jane, does this mean you only do meds? no therapy?

Ramji

[jtokc]

I had some therapy when I was first diagnosed. since then my major therapy was writing my book. That was a tremendous help in remembering and gettting it all out. But no, I do no formal therapy.

Jane

[clayton]

Me too--don't do therapy either--doc doesn't think I need it and I agree with him

[La Loca]

This is a tough one. After every hospitilization I get determined to helping myself and getting better to be able to lead a better life. Then after a few weeks that determinism disappears and I am back in my funk. This happens more than I care to admit, and I absolutely hate it! It is a vicious cycle. I just need to stick with that determinism and get better and not keep on giving up after a few weeks because I am not feeling better. But I make it difficult on myself. Sometimes I just feel like there is no hope for me, and others I know there is hope. I am just a big contradiction. I always have conflicting views and issues. Does anyone else suffer from that?

[Phyllis]

*raises hand*
I'm a gemini lol I'm always contradicting myself. Problem is, I always se both sides of a story and then end up sitting on the fence.

[clayton]

Dear Barbara: Sounds like what you need are small victories. A little string of small victories is really inspirational.

[high maintenence]

I agree with all of you. Like Phyllis, I find myself giving in sometimes to what I really believe in because I try to put myself in the persons shoes and see what they are going through, and sometimes that leads to controdicting myself.

La Loca...Im my case, there was no determination that I could control b/c my meds kept me in a slump and were'nt working properly. Now, I seem to have some more energy and at that point you can try to convince yourself, or peruade yourself to meet certain goals. Remember that with BP, we really cannot control those things. I know that Clayton says that he can control things, but you also have to know that he has been stable on a good combo of meds for a good long while. Small victories are good if you can push yourself to acheive them, but if you aren't ready, I highly recommend that you not push yourself, as you could make yourself go backwards. I have experienced both situations.

I too found therapy to be of no use to me. I don't like any of the therapists that I have seen, b/c they try to analyze someone that they just met. They pretend to know us b/c of their training knowledge of MI, but most have no idea what a person with BP goes through. My pdoc is like Clayton's, she doesn't think that I can't handle these things on my own, so she also does not recommend therapy for me. She has left that up to me entirely.

Jane...I have long pages in my journal that I can now look back to..Sometimes, I can read them and see that I am much better than I was, but sometimes, it depresses me and only sends me backwards. Have you experienced this and why do you think this happens to me?

Clayton...I definitely was "drifting" when I was unable to control what was happening to me and others made all of the decisions for me. I gave my input on what they were doing if I knew what was going on, but most times, they kept them as secrets. The only thing that helped me regain control was meds and time.

[jtokc]

High, I don't know why you get depressed reading your journal. It always made me feel better to write things down and get them out of my system. Sometimes the memories are not good, but at least when they are written down they are not so likely to ambush you. I guess that perhaps you have not resolved what it is that is depressing you in your own mind. Keep writing about it until you have it nailed down. Maybe that will help.

Jane

[clayton]

I don't know quite where to put it on the board, but scientists think there is a "God gene" which makes people religious. It isn't operative in everybody, obviously.

[high maintenence]

I think that's bologna Clayton. If you are involved in church and even if you are not, the call of God for you to become one of his children is there and you can choose to believe, or not to believe. It's a personal choice and a personal belief, not a gene. It can be handed down from generations, but the obvious reason for that is because people that go to church are taken to church by a family that believes and attends church. That is the only reason that some people are more out to believe, b/c they have been more exposed to God's words than others. It is not a gene.

[clayton]

Yeah, but the disposition to be interested in things religious could be genetic--nothing is free choice because we are not really free-we are slaves of so many things, including our own minds; think of Calvin and the Doctrine of Predestination.

[Phyllis]

Hmmmmmmmm.... I had something to say about this and it completely left my mind. Damn it!