bpbabble.com

i do not FEEL good.

i missed my doctor appt because of starting work last week.

i have to wait until april 3rd to see her. and no medication until then.

so i have to start all over.

i was feeling okay. i mean, fuck. i know that it is a little selfish to want to be happy  all the time. but to live life without being suicidal and in such torment all of the time-

i really like my job. it keeps my mind busy. i price clothes at my own discretion. it is fun. but all of the rest of the time my brain is bleeding misery. bad feelings about the past that i have to guess bp fucked with. treating my first love the way i did—knowing i had someone close to me and throwing it all away, finalizing it with no way back. ultimate betrayal that only someone w/ bp can perfect. sad on that. scared will never be over it. really want to die a lot. should plan for what i can do to get well again. would it be different if i never stopped taking my meds? i hate this. i am tired of hating life. i really am. tired of feeling like SHIT. I cannot stand it much longer.

ugh.  sleep a gaping non-existent hole. mom’s tv was on softly in the other room. apparently there was a roseanne marathon going on. every half an hour i heard that jazzy showtune go off, highlighting every half hour that went by. even my cat’s steady breathing next to me did not lull me to sleep. crapcore. good thing i took a nap earlier yesterday. and i guess resting is better than nothing.

i start work this morning. i am excited and NERVOUS. i hope i make a good first impression. i don’t see why not. i feel pretty good. and it is my favorite store!

i read the short story 1408 yesterday by stephen king. i hope it does not bring on any hallucinations! just kidding. i have been on a stephen king bender! the short story book everything’s eventual (which i think needs to be a movie soon)…i watched deloros claibourne and the tommyknockers. and tonight i am going to watch 1408. and excercise. that is a must. i eat pretty well, but i am going to start counting calories so i can lose 15 by september.

here is a picture of me and my cat, spooky. just so you have a face to the writing. spooky will not be making any entries.

Hi! I hope to use this blog to manage my goals. So, I am happy to report that one of my first goals have been met! Unbeknownst to her, I owe a big thanks to datgentry. lol. I read that she worked in a thrift shop and I was thinking…yeah, it would be kind of cool to work in a thrift store. All the first calls on cool clothes! So, I went out to apply and they had me fill out an app on the spot. Which I thought to be a good sign and very lucky. Two days later, they called me and I start on Monday. I am looking forward to working again and setting up some structure. I didn’t know how much longer I could go on reading and watching movies all day anymore.

My next goals are, of course, keeping this job and doing well there. I would also like to lose 15 lbs and get school going again.

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