OK maybe I got too close but it hurts and I didn’t really expect it to. I thought at least a phone call but no and why would I think such a thing. I was just someone that listened, to have a smoke with, but it hurts. Why would I think differantly I am such an old poop sometimes. To be close is differant to me then others I guess, I thought that we had become friends, and I feared to close of friends but guess not. I do miss her and I will miss her but she won’t miss me I guess. I am almost in tears, again with the self pity, I am never going to become close to anyone again. I am not normal I feel too much, I think too much, I care too much. For now I will be glad she is gone in a way for now I am really able to see what I meant, someone who listened, have a smoke with. A friend that I was not. Just a little pain.
Lurker
I have spent much of my time thinling about how I affect others, now I must say am I thinking about others, no, I am thinking about how I affect others. I am so self centered that it is hard to understand, I feel sad, I feel good, I don’t feel at all. Yesterday the pasture said that depression is nothing more then self pitty, how strange to look at it that way. I once heard a preist say that depression was frozen self pitty. My therapist has told me that I look at things the wrong way. Now are they all saying the same thing? This is becoming confussing to me, is there depression or not, do we have a society that is so self centered that the drug companys are making billions off of our own lack of being able to see beyoud ourselfs. Does anyone have the answer, do we need to look deep inside ourselves to find the answer, have we all had such terrible lives that we need the self pitty. I have always thought that my depression has followed a rather high period, manic period. Now I am not sure anymore, the drugs have kept the mania away for the most part, but how do I explaine the smell that I get is that frozen self pitty, I know it is not there except in my head, I know that this is just so much b/s but…….
Lurker
This is the question, why? Is it that I do see things in a wrong way, or am I seeing things for what they are. I am considering this and have over the last week. Is it time to move on? To what would it be, do I care, who really gives a shit? I think that this is little read so no worrys about being honest. To consider life as it is, opposed as it should be, or should I say as I think that it should be. No one wants to be ill, do they, but then there are those who feel better being ill. So what is to be done, why would anyone feel better being ill, for the attention I am told, well that persons life must really suck. I personally don’t want any attention PERIOD. Now to ponder am I sick, do I have an illness. How do I know, I see things differantly, I think things differantly, I feel things differantly, but do I or am I more honest about whats going on then others. So is it that they are all sick, and I am not. Is mental illness for real, then the next question, are you?
lurker
I went into the lunchroom this morning and one of the kids was crying, I went to her to ask what was wrong, she wouldn’t look at me. After a while a young lady came up to and told me that the reason the child was crying was she had no money for breakfast, I went to her and gave the money I had in my pocket and told her to go have breakfast, put the rest on her account. Well I have noticed over the year that she usually eats off her sisters plate and we have been lucky enough to have some very generous cooks. So I have come to the crossroads of thinking why does the older child have breakfast and the younger one has none, I know that this district has free and reduced breakfast and lunch, why haven’t the parents taken care of this, it is not a hard process. I wish that all children could eat free, but that is not the way it is, how many go without breakfast and lunch? Does anyone care, I just sit back it is none of my concern, but it is. I sometimes just want to scream, why do we have money for all those people downtown and none for basic needs of our children, they are ours, they need to be healthy alert and ready to learn, how can this happen without breakfast? Ok this not my normal blog, but it has gotten next to me, what are we doing. We have a new system that is positive, we are not to correct the behavior of a child, huh, I supose that it cost quite a bit to come up with that idea, how can a child act correctly without their basic needs taken care of. People want to know what is wrong with public education, spending money on ideas that make no since, let us feed them and then correct behavior.
lurker
I see myself as a puppy dog much of the time, I just go along and do what ever I can so I can get petted. I never shit inside I always let them know that I need to go out. Then there is this pit bull in me that will rip your face off and I need to be on a leash with a muzzle on. I just get so damned pissed that it is all I can do not to take a big shit inside, people rarley see me for who I am, as much as what I do. Yes I only finished the ninth grade, yes I fucked off much of my life, yes I only do the lest I can get away with. Dam it you made me, I have not been who I am, I know that I am responsible, but watch out you just may lose your face. I have this overwhelming anger that I may unleash on you, but you are not aware all you see is a puppy dog that you can kick from time to time, and I will come back just as loyal. When it comes you will not know what to do, you are not going to kick this pit bull. GRRRR
enough is enough the mind is moving no stopping it what to do what to do can’t even write anything that is ledgeible fuck it fuck it
lurker
Greetings all,
I haven’t been here in a while, didn’t have much to say. Still don’t, I was gone for a few days on a sort of vacation with my wife. We traveled all over the state of Washington and part of Oregon. When we returned last friday I found myself a little down, I hate returning back to work, but at least I am able to. We had a building inspection yesterday and the guys that work with me did a horrible job, they new the boss was coming but I guess didn’t care. It is part of my job to make sure they do there job, I just always figure that we are all adults and should act appropriately, well I took it in the shorts. I don’t really know what I can do about it, I don’t want it to devastate me, but it just showed a lack of respect for me as well as my boss. So last afternoon I took the guys around and showed them what the boss had found and one of the guys was really embaressed about it, the other one just made up excuses. I know what his problem was, he had gotten a hold of a bunch of percasets and was flying like a kite. I won’t tell the boss what his problem was, he really needs the job, and is 4 years away from retirement. So I did what I alway do I just took it.
lurker
truth is interesting, it can change from day to day. I am speaking of personal truths, it is only true to the person the truth belongs to. The truth as I see it, sometime the truth is I am superman, and then I could be worthless man. It really depends on my mood. Fault and blame are useless words to me, they are terrible because they denote guilt, and the last thing I want is more guilt. I think responsibility is word that replaces both those words that does not denote guilt. To be responsible, is to say this happened and this is my resonsibility I had in it, now lets move on. Guilt is better then shame because I can get rid of guilt but shame, shame just lays there eating at me. I konw that some shame is good, but most of my shame is bad, and I must live with it. What I am saying is this is how I see life not how you see it, and that is Ok, we must all decide what is true for us. Responsibility might nean something else to you, but when I use it, it is meant to be positive. This is how I continue to survive by decideing what means what. Now if this isn’t confussing to you, you probably have a mental health issue.
Lurker
sorry about the spelling in my blog, i just haven’t been profing reading them and the fact is I can’t spell wort a shit
Lurker
It is spring break at the school that I work atm The quiet is deadening. People ask me all the time where are you goung for break, and I have come to say some outlandish place, and they say good. I don’t get break like the rest of the staff, I am not equal to them, they know it, so why ask the stupid question. Don’t they see the floor is shinning or there classrooms are cleaner then normal. Sometimes I am left to ponder what is it they see. Last summer I was washing outside windows and a teacher asked me don’t they have professionals. I just thought what the fuck do you think I am. I love what I do when the kids are here but when they are not this job sucks. Yes many times the educators think of me as a less then, but the kids see me in a differant light. We the kids ad myself are on a level playing field they are seen as less then as well. A child will talk to me about differant things then they will talk to an educator about, because we are the same. The kids will give me respect that is only held for a peer. I was once asked since I was seen as less then a teacher how did I deal with it? My reply was anyone who deals with a child is a teacher. You see we are all equal including children and until the education systems in this country treat everyone equal, no one will learn.
Lust a thought, Lurker