well lets see — hum i was in the hosp — do not have any dates at to when i cant remember anything — i am off all my meds they were not right i was still shaking and going nuts cussing and feeling like i was going to come out of my skin — so gone once again — i went from the hosp to my moms when i got out - her hubby kicked me out — moved in with my sister — freaking out everyday - trying to hold a weekend job — did not go last weekend so dont know if i have it or not whats ur guess — i stayed home with my kids and took care of my hubby and kids for ten fucking years and i do not have shit now i have some clothes he will not “allow” me to take the truck which is paid for — he just is killing me with all this - it is almost mothers day and here i sit alone inside my head — my paranoid head and thoughts — took three bottles of pills like a week or two ago and did not do shit made me sleep - i was pissed - i am pissed - i cant stand the toucher day in and out people say they care and understand but yet i am so fucking alone — when the shit gets deep no one will be there — i miss my kids so bad but i think the pain of me missing them is easier then the pain of going to see them then leaving again — i dont know what to do — but i know that the white picket fence and flower garden is not happiness — pills are not — damn

well i am sittingn here cig in hand typing smoking flipin ashes on the floor just odnt fucking care for shit right now –  i went to my sisters house -the one in which i beat her ass not once but twice to let her know well to visit — she said i am so fucking out there she hasnt seen me this way in a few years little not on that i was like this whnei beat her ass — lol  - we can laugh about it now well i can we do not discuss it — but anyways — i have been so fuckin manic to the point of cussin all the time everyday dont care to whom or to what — i went to my moms friends hopuse yesterday? and i told her the first time i met her and b4 i knew her i always thought she was a rich bitch and never wanted to get to knopw her give her my time — my moms face was red and her friend just hugged me and said she understood — hahahaha –  i imbarass my mom alot i tell people when where and how and what to do once they et there — very blunt person — call it as i see it — i was thinking of going to the hosp but my mom said she would call and see what they wold do to make sure thye would not lock me up somewhere first — i go see my talk therapset at 3 or 4 tomorrow so i will wait till i talk to her and see what she has to say — man i just wasnt to jump off the moon and float down to the earth and land in the ocean and go nowhere — i want to get in my car drive and drive i do not want to stop anywhere to sleep i do not want or do not need to sleep - just drive and drive till hell freezes over — i do not know i would leave it all behind at this point just go — i would leave me kids my hubby mom everything and just go — that is fucking crazy to do a thing like that that is not normal thing to do but it is how i feel i want away and what ever gets me there so be it –

u know i hate people i am the nicest person but i hate people i cuss them all the time i think they are fucking stipud for the way they drive to the way they walk to the way they look everything i hate them it is just something in me i hate people — maybe bcuz i have been treated so badly from when i was in school but it takes alot for me to go up to someone to be nice when i am manic i can go up to someone and tell them to fuck off easier that to say hi or how was your day — my hubby knows i have done it to him fucking asshole what the fuck is he thinking — but he knows it is not me and i am crazy so he forgives alot of what i do — he knows the real me and not the manic or depressed me — you know i sit here and write this thinking i know there are people going to read this this is my day to day life how i think and feel and live — i dont care what people make me out to be (oh my god look at this chick she is fucked ) doesnt bother me — i know people read this shit and that is all it is i let my head just go off to where ever it wants to go and i type it as it comes not a care in the world of what someone will say or commen on it — just here up front in your face raw emotion — well not emotion right now as i feel nothing i am not happy sad or anything i am just here — goign thr the motions — i want to get a job to make me feel somewho more human instead of a robot — but there is no way i was molested when i was a child and i can not take the chance of someone coming into my house and fucking with one of my kids as was done to me in my own home by a woman babysitter — but that is the past — no i have not moved on i could spot her in a fucking line up even to this day i could — i hate her she goes thr my head almost everday — but that is something i can protect my kids from and i will do it at all cost we are going into debt bad bcuz of this but i can let someone watch them so it has to be this way — fuck i need another cig brb—ok so i am sitting here once again with a cig babies are kinda in bed the littlest is but the 3 yr old iswatching tv–know whst i want todo it is 10 i want to go out and get the oilstains off my driveway imight just do that —

u know another thing oh shit it is lightening — well i have had this back pain for years now and it was deginrative arthritus — well now it is back with full force — i went to my family doc and he gave me a x ray for ostopertius now what the hell does a curve in ur spine have to do with arthritus ?? am i missing it somewhere but all i know is it hurts like a bitch — doing the dishes kills me bad doing yard work kills me — i love all that shit — i have pulled a mucel in my said from coughing so much from allergies and he would not give me anything for that either –i dont know what i am going to do — jump off a fucking bridge i am 29 and my back hurts like i am 89 — fukc cant someone help — i get so tired of telling my story over and over to the fucking doctors same shit have to go thr it everytime i have it — ging —it is storming jane asked if we were getting any weather tonight yes dear it is storming — ging

man i am baout to go fucking crazy i want to beat my head up against a wall and say why wont it stop my head racing why cant i ba normal and be — i dont know i am going crazy i want to slow down but cant i want to be ok cant do that either i need meds cant get that why why why — i do not understand why i need the shit and wheni know i need them cant get it — what gives — i need meds now to save m brain — i need help i know i do why cqnt someone help me — i do not know what to do — why doesnt this stop the racing cant go to sleep want to fucking drive like a fucking wacko into oblivion — just go go go  and never stop get away from everthing it all — but i am not going anywhere just — shit — i do not know anything — i am just typing and typing till my fingers fall off i guess this shit makes no sence — i feel my skin crawling like i want to bite m toung so i can feel or stop feeling i do not know which one but something i do know is i need meds this is not right to be like this crazy feeling i feel like i need to be locked up right now in a hosp i feel so out of controll — i want to be safe i do not feel safe right now — i know if i had the means i would be gone in a heart beat — i dont know my cries go un heard all the time no one can figure out what meds i need when i get them i think they dont work but being on them is better than being like this shit as i am now — i feel like a freak on a corner — a crazed person a whacko — i just want to be calm and normal i do not understand this shit that is going on in my head — i want to dye and make it stop — but then my family — i just can ot do it to them — if they only knew the torcher i go thr every day they would understand why and know that i would bne better off — at peace instead of living thr torcher — that is how i feel i am torchered every day of my life for some ungodly reason i dont know i just need help now now now now — people just think this is something that u can make up and turn on and off like a flucet well this is my daily life — racing — raging angry bcuz i can ot controll this head of mine — just keeps going and all i can think of is hate and angry of why am i not in controll of this mass on my shoulders — this is me i am torchered every fuckign day — i want to be ok — i do not know what else to say but help — i do not know where to go — it is the weekend i do not know what to do i have two more days of this shit to deal with till i can try  to call this new pdoc and try to get some fucking help all i need is meds to calm me down i do not know what to do anymore — i am about to give up again 0– i am tired of this rollercoaster every fucking day — i can not controll anything anymore - ———————————————————————————————–

why in the fuck does everyone have to be so fucking stupid– i have this thing that i just became honest with and told someone — it is i cuss people all the time no matter wh it is if i know them or not — they think it might be a OCD — but on with the damn story — ok we had a fuckin house fire and it melted the back half of the house and i have been calling people to come get estimates on it — well they r like ok we will be there or it will be about 6 weeks or so — but they are not fucking honest — y cant they just say fuck no i dont want to do ur fucking house and  it sounds like a pain in my ass plz move on to the next siding place — oh no they lead me on thinking and waiting on them and fuck no one comes or calls it will be raining soon and it will be more of a fuckign mess then it is now — shit so i called this one dude b4 he even said a ting i said plz be honest with me if u do not want to or think it is to hard do not waist my time — well he will be here tomorrow — hhahaha — just be upfront i can not deal with shit  — today has been shut a day i have gotten clothes washed and dried put up — house cleaned up — flower garden trimmed and cleaned for what i caan do with it now — and then i came home from the play ground pissedoff lke hell - yelling and screaming i am so pissed nothing is right i hate everything — i just want to go to bed and no one bother me forever — i hate this drastic change it is so hard for the kids and hard on me — it is stupid — ok and another thing — i havent done anything “major ” like physical bcuz of my depression — so doing all this shit today has really gotten to me — my arthritus in my back kills me — and it would be so easy to give up and be depressed bcuz i do not think i can get anythign to help with it — i was on lortabs at one point in my life so i could function and fuckin /OD on them passed out in a damn store woke up in the ER — but i do not think i would do that now i am in a diffrent point in my life and want to get better — fuck i dont nkow i wish i did not have pain in my back like this i know it is bcuz i am a fucking fat ass — and i need o do something about it — it has gotten worse and goes into my hips now — fuck i dont know — ging

guess who ?? haha it is mee again — i am so funny — i went to a threapest today and she is awesome i think i will get some kind of help - i want to be better and better understand how to deal with this illness — she understands — so now that we have established that i am not a damn freak from hell and i do have shit going on in m hea that it not right but can be fixed for the most part — we are on a better road it is so releaving for me to know that she understands — going to call the dr tomorrow and see if i can get ablify and klonapen till my new pdoc get ahold of me — i just need something to slow me down to where i can think str8 i have such rambling thoughts that i cant make since of anything anymore it is like going around onm a merry go round and faster faster we go no one knows what is going on and it makes no since at all — i just cant wait to get off the go round — i want a simple life with my kids and hubby — and everyone stay away — i can otn help people bcuz i cant even help myself — ging

well today is sunday and i feel like gravity is not being kind to me — i have been in bed for two or three days and cant function at all - hubby has been home helpin as much as he can he is sick also — i want off these meds so bad i am not gettign things done have no enegry — yes it is keeping me from freaking out but it is also making me to where i can not function — the kids are out side playing it is a beautiful day i want to be out there but i cant sit up for to long — and i hafta lay down — i do not go back to the pdoc for another week or so — i dont know that i will make it thr tho — prob have to call and tell them i want off the ride for right now — ging

i love you so much — i am so glad you can get insight into my life and fucked head of mine — it is just so hard to sit down and explain it all in a day or a wee for that matter –i am going to the bipolar grouip tonight we have on every monday — i really likt it it helps me to learn how other people keep on living even tho ——i am doomed it feels like more that ever– i have got to find a new pdoc i am not feeling him right now — he has pretty much givin up on me - wil not tell me what he thinking of this whole mess and it gets to me –shit just tell me what i am i will learn how to deal with it — i can not deal with shit i do not know — love ya dear — ging

cant sleep again !!!

i was looking up this new med the pdoc is giving me and under the name came up not skitso but this other name and it was deciribed as someone whom thinking all these things up in their heads –i was thinking is this me ?? i have came to a conclusion that hell no it is not why would anyone wish these things upno their worse ememy - i could not imagine if he tells me that he thinks this i will freak out — there is just no way in hell — dont you think that if i was thinking these things up then i couod stop the cycles just as i put them on myself ? fuck i cant even go to the store right now as i am to get milk for the kids i send someone to do it for me bcuz i cant hardly leave the house — now would someone wish that upno them selves someone as active and such a go getter as i am ? hell no they would not — i woke my hubby up just a few mins ago and he said i am thinking to much yes there are people like that i understand that then there are really ick people like me and all of us — i dont know what i will do if he says that my hubby says my brain needs a rest and i am overloading it — surly there is another crash after i come out of over load mode — ging

i have alot of blog entries titled as freak mode — hum — should tell the pdoc something — i gave him the addy to my blog do not know if he has read it or not — ging

 (few mins later i am back again) i am starting to feel my eyebrows tighten — and sholders tencing up — here we go — ready for the rollercoaster — im not — ging